Assassination Press

Nike, Do The Right Thing.

2007-06-20T07:55:00.000-05:00

Nike has refused to fire Michael Vick.

If you are as outraged and disgusted as I am about Nike continuing to employ Michael Vick as their representative and advertising partner, I urge everyone to write Nike and contact them via phone in order to protest this abomination.

Here is my open letter to Nike...

I buy Nike products frequently. I appreciate the quality that I can find in Nike products. However, I am more than just a consumer. I am a animal rights activist. I'm sure I do not have to explain the situation with Michael Vick (Atlanta QB). Nike must fire this man from their advertising campaigns. It is disgusting that Nike continues to use this man to represent their products. Michael Vick is a thug and criminal. The fact he abuses animals only further defines him. His repulsive behavior is truly abhorrent and the souls of the animals he abuses are forever tormented.

I vow to never buy another Nike product until you fire Vick. Show some class and dignity Nike.

Just do it.

You can contact Nike:

Email: http://swoosh.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/swoosh.cfg/php/enduser/ask.php

Phone: 1-800-344-6453 - (6 a.m. - 4 p.m. PST, Monday through Friday)

If you too believe in doing the right thing. Just do it.

TNT: Tornadoes n' Twisters

2007-03-02T08:53:00.000-05:00

Nature is both beautiful and scary. I am amazed and frightened at the beauty and power of Hurricanes and Tornadoes. As a Floridian, I understand how beautiful they can be and know first hand how deadly they are as well. With the Tornadoes ripping across the Southern and Midwestern United States on Thursday, I found myself looking for some storm footage. I didn't find any current video, but I did find this little piece on YouTube that was interesting....

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Will Never Hurt Me

2007-03-01T09:05:00.000-05:00

That wonderful moral bastion that is New York City has decided to begin banning words they deem to be racial slurs, inappropriate, or otherwise unacceptable epithets.

In all honesty, some words are disgusting and I too find them disgusting, however, where does this end? If the Blacks get all their slurs and epithets banned, what about the Jews? If the Jews, what about the Muslims? If the Muslims, well, you get the point.

The reason for censoring people usually has a seed of a good idea at the start, but it quickly spirals out of control. I don't agree with censorship of any kind, simply put; if you begin there is no end. Not to mention that our country was founded on freedom, including the freedom of speech.

Instead of making useless laws, why not invest in education? Education is the only way people will ever rise above their ignorance.

Another thing to consider. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, the words you speak are the voice of that soul. In nature, signs are abundant. Some are warnings. If someone you know speaks with ignorance and hate, that is a pretty good sign that you should stay clear of them.

Even if people are prevented from speaking certain words, they can never be prevented from thinking them. In fact, they may harbor even more dangerous thoughts because of this. Personally, I'd rather have everyone voice their opinions without concern for censorship.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. But one thing for sure, words will always communicate who you are. And in this world, it is becoming increasingly important to know who are friends or enemies.

JK

Beam Me Up Scotty: Big Bang Revisited

2007-02-28T10:25:00.000-05:00

Do Multiple Universes exist? Does there exist Parallel Worlds? What about Black Holes linking different levels of existence? Where can I get a Tribble?

Mind bending stuff for sure. The stuff of Science Fiction. Even trying to wrap your mind around these concepts can be difficult unless you are a scientist or perhaps a dedicated science fiction fan. If you don't know what E=MC2 means or cannot quote Captain Kirk in the second season of Star Trek, Episode #44; then perhaps this is all going way over your head. Don't worry though, pretty soon the "Secrets of the Universe" will be taught in middle school and your kids or grandkids can explain it to you. If not, just wait for the condensed version, "Secrets Of The Universe For Dummies", that will soon be in a bookstore near you. I've already got an advance copy. It even comes with a Tribble.

Now, for those that want to boldly go where no man has gone before, the world's leading center for research into the origins of matter on Wednesday took a giant step toward completion of a 15-year project which scientists hope will unlock many secrets of the universe.

A huge magnet core, weighing 1,920 metric tons or the equivalent of five jumbo jets, was lowered into a vast cavern 100 meters below ground at the multinational center, CERN, on the Swiss-French border near Geneva. "We think this project is going to uncover things we cannot dream of at the moment," said Professor Jos Engelen, Chief Scientific Officer of CERN, the 26-nation European Organization for Nuclear Research.

Some of his colleagues say the experiment, smashing particles together at high speed in a Large Hadron Collider (LHC), may bring new knowledge such as the possible existence of multiple dimensions beyond the four of traditional physics (width, length, height and time).

Others speak, if cautiously, of venturing into realms long regarded as those of speculative science fiction; multiple universes, parallel worlds, black holes in space linking different levels of existence.

Apart from magnets and detectors, the focal element of the LHC is a 27-km channel circling through a wide underground tunnel along which particles will be forced in opposite directions at the speed of light to smash together.

The experiments are due to start up by the end of 2007 and be fully operational in mid-2008. Each collision will recreate conditions that existed just nanoseconds after the Big Bang (The Big Bang is a fireball of energetic radiation which scientists say happened some 15 billion years ago and brought the universe into existence).

By studying what happens to the particles, researchers believe they will gain knowledge of how the matter of the known universe, and perhaps unknown ones, was formed.

Now, I don't know about you, but the thought of being on Earth while someone is recreating the Big Bang seems a bit scary. What happens if a black hole opens up and swallows us? What is that old saying? Curiosity killed the cat.

Beam Me Up, Scotty!

Feel The Force Luke: Web 2.0 Reloaded

2007-02-27T10:38:00.000-05:00

I just found the coolest web application (for now). It is called Ning.

Ning is the latest startup of Netscape co-founder Marc Andreessen. Ning is giving consumers free tools to create and operate specialized online social networks of their own.

Since I have become interested in the phenomenon of Web 2.0, I have been looking at several social networking sites. This one rocks!

As Ning CEO Gina Bianchini says, "Other social network sites ask you to join their world. We are about people creating their own worlds".

The two-year-old Silicon Valley-based company said the new service, to be introduced on Tuesday, allows casual Web users to create, within a matter of minutes, a highly customized social network for one's friends, family or acquaintances.

Users within each Ning network can select the latest Web features for watching videos online, creating a photo slideshow, listening to music or publishing a blog. Members have far greater flexibility over the look of their personal profile pages, buddy lists and site color schemes.

As a test if their services, I created Kaffenated Incorporated

I created Kaffenated Incorporated in about thirty minutes. Kaffenated Incorporated is Web 2.0. My little experiment with it anyway. It will be interesting to see what it turns into (if anything). Feel free to post anything you want and make it a little part of you. Go to http://kaffenated.ning.com now.

Let the evolution begin....

EDIT: Looks like Ning is having some birthing problems (it just started today). If the site is not working, check back again soon or go to the Ning blog for updates.

EDIT Part Deux: Up again. Thanks Gina Bianchini and team!

JK

Antonella Barba: American Idol Gone Wild

2007-02-24T09:04:00.000-05:00

I didn't expect it to come this quickly, but after my last post about infamous celebrity (or is it celebritney?) and the fact my palate was ready for some fresh meat, we now have some very interesting photography of Antonella Barba.

Antonella Barba is one of the hottest American Idol contestants this season, now her scandalous photos are rocking the web.

Will the college student Antonella Barba be ousted out from the competition or will this make her more popular? Time will tell...

Famous To Infamous: Waiter, Can I Please See The Menu?

2007-02-23T12:17:00.000-05:00

Better check the news every hour. There is sure to be an update on the latest celebrity to succumb to addiction or otherwise showcase their self-destruction. The details are usually salacious and the drama rivals the cheapest pulp fiction novel.

And make no mistake about it, you and I are contributing to their self destruction.

I think we first go through shock, then to disbelief, and finally we become parasitic. We are really nothing more than mesmerized parasites in need of a host. In a sense we are victims too, moths attracted to the glow of the train wreck. The paparazzi and news outlets feed us and we are ravenous.

If there was no demand, there would be no story. The famous person who quickly becomes infamous can thank the public for contributing to both spectrums of their celebrity. There should be a sign and chain link fence at every public event, “Beware of Fan”. After all, the public is a very dangerous breed of animal.

We have all seen celebrities attack the paparazzi and news outlets, but those entities are really not their enemy. The paparazzi and news outlets are only providing a necessary function. They are merely a functional part of the social food chain. The celebrities feed on the public and the public feed on them. The waiters and waitresses of the news provide their services to both sides and we all need each other, for better and worse.

What is most interesting to me is the power shift. Celebrities wield a great deal of power over their fans and the public in general. True, this power is a very finite power and can change day to day, but those that become infamous (or whom have become famous because of their infamous actions) are generally powerless and subject to the whim of the public desire and appetite in a much more definitive way. One could argue that celebrities are always powerless and subject to the public desire and appetite, however, there is a big difference in being pointed at in awe or being pointed at in disgust. The paradigm shift is real and when the infatuation ends, so does their celebrity.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had the guilty pleasure of having a few Britney burgers, some Anna Nicole fries, and some Hilton shakes. But I suspect that my palate will soon want something fresh and new. In fact, I think that time is now. Waiter, can I please see a menu?

Fast Times At Muslim High: Total Awesomeness

2007-02-20T07:52:00.000-05:00

Perhaps one of the most fascinating aspects of modern culture influencing Muslim women can be witnessed on the sandy shorelines and breaking waves of your coastal waters. Many Muslim women are being taken over by a wave of enthusiasm for surfing and surf culture.

Baheera Mazoo and Kameela Vizzu are two of the most famous Muslim surfers in Florida. They sport some of the very latest in surf wear created specifically for Muslim women and have a tendency to use 80's surf lingo and Valley Girl talk mixed in with their accents.

"Gnarly waves Kameela!" says Baheera.

"Totally Awesomeness!" says Kameela.

One of their favorite things besides surfing is to watch 80's movies. Their favorite is "Fast Times at Ridgemont High".

"We so love Jeff Spicoli!", says Kameela. Baheera quickly agrees and they turn in unison to each other and say..."You deek!". A line from the movie that is infamously used by the Jeff Spicoli character to his teacher "Mr. Hand".

When asked how they deal with the stigma of being Muslim surfers in an American world, they quickly agree that...

"Dude, All we need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and we fine".

Stephen Colbert: The Americone Dream

2007-02-15T08:24:00.000-05:00

Ben & Jerry's is fudging the truthiness.

The maker of Phish Food, Cherry Garcia and Vermonty Python is adding Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream to its collection of cult figure-inspired ice cream flavors.

Billed as "the sweet taste of liberty in your mouth," Americone Dream is vanilla ice cream packed with fudge-covered pieces of waffle cone and a caramel swirl.

"I'm not afraid to say it. Dessert has a well-known liberal agenda," Colbert said in a statement. "What I hope to do with this ice cream is bring some balance back to the freezer case."

Freedom has never tasted so sweet.

The host of the Emmy-nominated Colbert Report will be donating his portion of the proceeds to the newly established Stephen Colbert Americone Dream Fund, which will then dole out the dough to various charities.

I have always been a big fan of Stephen Colbert and his show, The Colbert Report. Him and Jon Stewart make up some of the best comedy television of the current day. For those that do not know Stephen Colbert, just turn on Comedy Central and enjoy his show (links provided above). His comedy and wit are nothing short of brilliant. Before his show, I would never have thought that the best way to poke fun at the right wingers, Bill O'reilly, and all the other lost souls in the "no-spin" zone, would be to imitate them (tongue firmly in cheek).

The one thing that made me one of Colbert's biggest fans, is the 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner. Wow! This man has balls. I have no doubt that the people who brought him there fully believed he would bring a lighthearted monologue with him. Stephen is at the top of his game there and he doesn't pull any punches. Colbert's comedy touch along with the stunned faces and steely stares from Bush and his cronies make me laugh every time I watch this. I admire him for taking the opportunity to bring truth and comedy together for a night that is bound to become a classic moment in history.

Now, for your entertainment, here are the Parts 1, 2, and 3 of the 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner featuring Stephen Colbert (and more than a fair bit of truthiness)...

Stephen Colbert Part 1

Stephen Colbert Part 2

Stephen Colbert Part 3

Pipes, Pipes, and More Pipes

2007-02-14T08:26:00.000-05:00

It looks like the people at Yahoo! are starting to create some interesting technology for all of us to play with. They have now introduced a beta service called "Pipes".

This service not only provides a fantastic way to aggregate data of all types, it is a nice introduction to Programming 101.

If you always wanted to create your own program, but were afraid to learn how, this is a nice little introduction to simple and logical programming. Beyond that, it is a very valuable tool that anyone can use for business or pleasure. For Webmasters, it can help create content. For the average person, it can help find content.

One way I use Pipes is to create a "pipe" of my own (or borrow someone else's). Once this is done I subscribe to the RSS feed (or JSON) of that particular "pipe". For personal use, I highly recommend Google's RSS feed reader, aptly named "Google Reader". This is the program that I use to subscribe to all feeds of interest (not just my pipes). Think of "Google Reader" as an "inbox" for the Internet.

Now, go play!

JK

Sexual Trivia on The Internet: Truth or Dare?

2007-02-09T08:09:00.000-05:00

I found all of these factoids on the Internet. I have no idea how true they are, but they sure are fun to read (and should do wonders for my Google hits). I will remove anything that my readers find to be false (just send me an email). Enjoy...

Everyday, 200 million couples around the world have sex, which is about over 2000 couples at any given moment.

Women are most likely to want to have sex when they are ovulating.

The Egyptian Ankh is actually a symbol representing the male and female sex organs.

Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world.

30% of women over the age of 80 still have sexual intercourse either with their spouse or boyfriends.

Mosquitoes, which mate in the air, perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand as those with only a Bachelor's degree.

Fellatio ranks as the number one sexual act desired by heterosexual men.

Australian women have sex on the first date more than women the same age in the USA and Canada.

It’s illegal to have sex without a condom in Nevada.

Today, Japan leads the world in condom use. Like cosmetics, they're sold door to door, by women.

More Americans lose their virginity in June than in any other month.

A man’s penis not only shrinks during cold weather but also from nonsexual excitement like when his favorite football team scores a touchdown, etc.

Wyoming’s Grand Teton mountain range literally means Big Tits.

In the original Grimm fairly tale of 'Sleeping Beauty', the Prince rapes her while she sleeps and then leaves before she wakes up.

The word 'gymnasium' comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means to exercise naked, which often was done in ancient Greece.

White women and those women with a college degree, when asked said they were more receptive to anal sex than women without college educations.

The word avocado comes from the Spanish word aguacate which is derived from the Aztec word ahuacati which means testicle.

The original representation of Cupid by the Greeks was that of a beautiful young boy whose naked form was considered to be the embodiment of sexual love.

The first condoms in the US were made from vulcanized rubber in the 1870s. They were expensive and annoyingly thick and meant to be reused.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy both the giving and receiving of oral sex than high school dropouts.

About 1% of the adult female population is able to achieve orgasm solely through breast stimulation.

14% of males said that they did not enjoy sex the first time.

60% of women say they did not enjoy sex their first time.

The Romans would crush a first time rapist’s gonads between two stones.

It’s illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it’s against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.

In Fairbanks, Alaska it’s illegal for moose to have sex on the city sidewalks.

In Florida having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. Ouch!

According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular flavor of edible underwear.

When Viagra became available, operators of Nevada brothels reported that business "shot up" about 20 percent.

Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.

Up until 1884, a Victorian-era woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.

During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you’d be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime.

The sperm of a mouse is longer than the sperm of an elephant.

Minks have intercourse that lasts an average of eight hours.

The chimpanzee holds the record for the quickest mammal sexual intercourse session at an average of three seconds.

Most turkeys and giraffes are bisexual.

An adult gorilla's penis is only two inches long.

Humans, fish and porpoises share a common sexual practice -- fellatio

The penis of a dragonfly is shaped like a shovel, and has the ability to scoop out a male rival’s semen.

The word pornography comes from the Greek meaning the “writings of prostitutes”.

In Ancient Greece, women would expose their vagina's to ward off storms at sea.

In ancient Greece and Rome, dildos were made out of animal horns, gold, silver, ivory and glass.

While nudity was considered commonplace to the ancient Greeks, a man was considered indecent if he had an exposed erection.

Both humans and porpoises have one social sex practice in common - group sex.

The penguin only has one single orgasm in a year.

The rhinoceros has a penis about two feet long.

The Black Widow spider eats her mate during or after sex.

A bull can inseminate 300 cows from one single ejaculation.

The sperm of a mouse is actually longer than the sperm of an elephant.

Sex education was first introduced into English schools in 1889.

Cleopatra invented her own diaphragm from camel's poop.

Eating the heart of a male Partridge was the cure for impotence in ancient Babylon.

The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men. The opposite is true for lefties.

It takes a sperm one hour to swim seven inches.

The initial spurt of ejaculate travels at 28 miles per hour. By way of comparison, the world record for the 100 yard dash is 27.1 miles per hour.

Honking of car horns for a couple that just got married is an old superstition to insure great sex.

The most successful X-rated movie of all time is 'Deep Throat'. It cost approximately $25,000 to make and has earned more than $600 million dollars.

Egyptians inserted stones into their vagina to prevent pregnancy.

In Medieval France unfaithful wives were made to chase a chicken through town while naked.

Napoleon's penis was sold to an American Urologist for $40,000

Seventy percent of women would rather have chocolate than sex.

The same chemical responsible for the ecstatic highs of love and sexual attraction, phenyl ethylamine, is also found in chocolate.

Oneirogmophobia is the fear of wet dreams.

The male fetus is capable of attaining an erection during the last trimester.

A survey conducted by Masters and Johnson in the early 1980s revealed that the third-most frequent fantasy amongst both homosexual men and women was a heterosexual encounter.

Hybristophilia is arousal derived by having sex with people who have committed crimes.

Among sexually active adults, lesbians have the lowest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases.

The average bra is designed to last for only 180 days of use.

The sperm of a mouse is actually longer than the sperm of an elephant, when viewed under a microscope of course.

Casanova boasted that he made love to the same woman twelve times in one day.

According to Playboy, the most popular sexual aid is erotic literature.

One of the reasons male deer rub their antlers on a tree or the ground is to masturbate.

Approximately one out of every two hundred women is born with an extra nipple.

A small flaccid penis generally has a greater percentage increase during erection than a larger flaccid penis.

In general, women who are housewives are more faithful than working women.

While nudity was considered commonplace to the ancient Greeks, a man was considered indecent if he had an exposed erection.

According to a recent survey, more Americans lose their virginity in June than any other month.

According to statistics, Australian women are the most likely to have sex on the first date.

The Black Widow spider eats her mate during or after sex.

It takes a sperm one hour to swim seven inches.

The practice of autoerotic asphyxiation (temporarily suffocating or strangling yourself while masturbating) takes the lives of 250 to a thousand people each year.

A “buckle bunny” is a woman who goes to rodeos with the intent of having sex with a rodeo cowboy.

Human testicles can increase in size by 50% when a man is aroused.

The word "sex" was coined in 1382.

A parthenologist is someone who specializes in the study of virgins and virginity.

A capon is a castrated rooster. They are said to have more tender meat when cooked and that’s why they cost more.

Two of the main causes of temporary impotence are tight pants and prolonged cigarette smoking.

The first public strip-tease dance was performed in Paris in 1894.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. Huh?

In Newcastle, Wyoming, an ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing in a store’s walk-in meat freezer.

The same chemical responsible for the ecstatic highs of love and sexual attraction, phenyl ethylamine, is also found in chocolate.

Oneirogmophobia is the fear of wet dreams.

Nasophilia is the arousal from the sight, touch, licking, or sucking of a partner's nose.

Axillism is the act of using of the armpit for sex.

According to the Kinsey Institute, half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal.

A "Dork' is a whale's penis. The Blue Whale has a ten foot long dork that is one foot in diameter.

Emetophilia is the arousal from vomit or vomiting.

Siderodromophilia is the arousal from riding in trains.

Anasteemaphilia is the attraction to a person because of a difference in height.

Crematistophilia is the arousal from being charged for sex.

Dacryphilia is the arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of a partner.

Oculolintus is the act of licking a partner's eyeball.

Nasophilia is the arousal from the sight, touch, licking, or sucking of a partner’s nose.

Sacofricosis is the practice of cutting a hole in the bottom of a front pants pocket in order to masturbate in public with less risk of detection.

Taphephilia is the arousal from being buried alive.

Formicophila is the enjoyment of the use of insects for sexual purposes.

Dendrophilia is a sexual attraction to trees.

Agalmatophilia is an attraction to statues or mannequins.

Plushophilia is the attraction to stuff animals or the act of intercourse with a stuffed animal.

Approximately one out of every two hundred women is born with an extra nipple.

It is illegal for anyone under the age of 18 to pose for a pornographic magazine, movie or web site in the USA.

Oral and anal sex is illegal in many states in the US, between both homosexual and heterosexual people.

The hymen is named after the Greek God Hymenaeus -- the God of marriage and weddings.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for about 30 minutes.

In 2004, a sex toy was introduced that does not require batteries: it connects to a USB port.

8.5 billion Condoms are produced every year worldwide.

Graham crackers were once believed (and in some cases used) to reduce sexual arousal and desire.

Many ancient sexual positions are physically impossible for most people.

Karma Police: All Things Come To A Beginning

2007-02-08T08:18:00.000-05:00

“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” ~ T.S. Eliot

"Before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment - chop wood, carry water." ~ Zen Buddhist Proverb

"When will all the rhetorical questions end?" ~ George Carlin

All things come to a beginning.

Now that...

1) Sting is MIA on the pop charts and only slightly less obnoxious than usual...

2) Andy Summers is no longer taking exotic excursions, obsessed with nude photography, snorting coke, getting laid, and trying to copyright a guitar lick...

3) Stewart Copeland is no longer proclaiming The Police to be "his" band (but only that he founded it)...

...We have this.

NASHVILLE (Billboard) - Reunited rock trio the Police are expected to announce a 30th anniversary world tour during a news conference in Los Angeles on Monday, the day after the group opens the Grammy Awards."

I'm an 80's boy at heart and The Police were one of my absolute favorite bands once upon a time. I'll probably be first in line for this one when it rolls around to my little place in the world.

It sure is fun to watch aging rock stars, I don't feel as old anymore (and they probably don't either).

JK

Historical Romance or Twister Game Gone Wild?

2007-02-07T09:18:00.000-05:00

A pair of human skeletons lie in an eternal embrace at an Neolithic archaeological dig site near Mantova, Italy, in this photo released February 6, 2007. Archaeologists in northern Italy believe the couple was buried 5,000-6,000 years ago, their arms still wrapped around each other in a hug that has lasted millennia.

I am immediately drawn to this photo. It is very romantic and inspirational. My question, what if they were just playing Twister?

Web Two Oh 101

2007-02-07T08:58:00.000-05:00

This YouTube video is pretty slick. It was created by Michael Wesch, Assistant Professor of Cultural Anthropology at Kansas State University. Web 2.0 is a phrase that has been tossed around quite a bit of late and if you ask ten different people what it means, they either don't know or you'll get a different answer from each person. This video is a nice introduction to Web 2.0, think of it as Web Two Oh 101...

The Coolest Desktop Application In The World (For Now)

2007-02-03T09:48:00.000-05:00

If you want one of the coolest desktop applications in your office or home, give Earthdesk a try. Make sure you pick the right application (Earthdesk) for your operating system (Mac/PC). I can think of a hundred words to describe this thing, but I will let you think up your own. Enjoy!

Friday's Food 4 Thought: Minimum Wage Can't Make A Better Pizza

2007-02-02T09:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, millions of working mothers, fathers, and adults thought they were given a chance to improve their lives. What they may not realize is that they will continue to be living in poverty. In the end, the proposed minimum wage increase is only a symbolic measure without any real teeth or any real help for those living in poverty today. It actually benefits the rich more than the poor after pairing the minimum wage increase with tax benefits for the wealthy. This is a familiar theme in Congress, especially under the Bush regime.

The 2006 HHS poverty line for a family of three is $16,600, however, studies devoted to the family budget for a family of three indicate $23,000 to $46,000 (depending on where they live) is required to support a family of three. This includes the price of food, rent, childcare, transportation and other necessities. These figures do not represent luxury items. A minimum wage increase to 7.25/hr will raise the minimum wage income to $18,326. Can you live on that? I couldn’t. Did you know that over half of the minimum wage employees are women? Did you know that 80 percent are adults over the age of 20? Did you know that minimum wage workers make up the largest employment of women and single working mothers? I only wish there were a God to help them (and their children). As an atheist, I can’t even do that.

Is this good enough? Is this the best America can do? Why does one of the most advanced countries in the world continue to deny a living wage to all of their citizens?

When you go out today, I want to you to look into the faces of those that serve you. Chances are you will be looking into the eyes of a minimum wage employee every step of your day. In almost all team oriented studies, the team is only as strong as their weakest link. When you go out today, look for a business that proudly supports living wages and support their business. I go to a local Pizza place that gives their employee’s living wages, health benefits, and extra benefits such as vacations or paid time off. I pay a lot for that Pizza (and I bitch about it sometimes), but you know what? It is the best damn Pizza I have ever had and I keep going back. If living wages can make a better Pizza, the other possibilities are limitless.

Wacky Wednesday: An Apple A Day...

2007-02-01T20:49:00.000-05:00

Over the past few years I've been amazed at all the attachments and gizmo's that are being produced for Apple Ipod's. I think just about every area of the home, even your bathroom, there exists the possibility of adding an Ipod docking station of some sort (Hey, I don't know about you, but I have much more productive bowel movements with my toilet seat docking station).

Now your local doctor will be toting his Ipod to work for a different reason altogether. The Ipod stethoscope is now a reality. Plug and play for your heart....

Perhaps, we will begin to have collector heartbeat recordings of great people in history. What about adding CD/DVD extras featuring the heartbeat of your favorite band member, actor, or actress? I'd definitely be the first in line to buy the Angelina Jolie collector edition.

And what about all that nasty file sharing going on? I don't want somebody downloading my heartbeat with the latest American Idol crap. Which reminds me, I just started a new Myspace account. My band is called "The Heart Murmurs". Perhaps you'd like listening to our remake of "Two Hearts Beat As One"...

Hillary 4 Prez

2007-01-29T09:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Friend,

Hillary Clinton has the wisdom and experience that our country needs. I’m supporting her presidential campaign and I hope you'll join me in that support at this crucial moment in the campaign. This is a massive undertaking and she needs our help. This will be an historic campaign, I'm asking you to sign up as a supporter.

Early financial support and building a strong base is the key to any successful campaign. Let's show Hillary that we have her back -- make an online contribution or sign up as a supporter today.

MAKE A CONTRIBUTION

OR...

JOIN TEAM HILLARY

My open letter to Hillary Clinton...

Hillary,

I am very excited about your candidacy. I supported President Clinton from the very beginning to the very end and will do so with your bid for the Presidency. I feel that both you and Bill were a great team in the White House once before, I'm certain that you both can make a huge difference if given another opportunity. With your intelligence and compassion, it gives me great hope for our future. And for you to be leading the nation as the first woman President would be an historical moment that would provide us with more choices in the future (regardless of party affiliation). I hope that you bring Bill on the campaign trail and use him to your advantage whenever possible. We all still love that man, regardless of his flaws. His charisma and your presence will energize the nation. I hope that you expand on your ideas for Universal Health Care. I also hope that you provide some hope for "Universal Education" in our Colleges and Universities. To give every person the opportunity to learn and the opportunity to provide them and their families quality health care will make America stronger and better than ever before.

Warmest Regards,

JK

This and That...

2007-01-23T08:42:00.000-05:00

I'm baaaaaaaack....

Yes, after a long absence, Assassination Press is going live again.

As your reinvigorated host of the news with nothing to lose (shaken, not stirred of course), I will do my best to disappoint (I mean not disappoint) and provide some "interestingness" that is worth a peek every now and then.

A few notes. "Spin or Spun" is not a live site for me right now. Unfortunately, I got really burned out on the web and development of things old and new. It will be back, but for now I'm just cash parking it. Don't know what cash parking is? You probably don't want to know and if you do you probably already know what it is. And yes, my ad profits still go to HSUS.

I'm trying out the new blogger site. If it sucks, you will be the first to know. If you know and I don't, please let me know.

Okay, if you haven't bookmarked, blogrolled, or linked to AP yet, do it now. Look on the left. I've tried to make it as easy as possible. Feeds are provided as well, although I do appreciate your looking in on my ugly mug every now and then. Read a few posts and decide for yourself. God (or in my case Angelina Jolie) knows the blogosphere has something out there to interest you. I wonder if a blogger types and no one reads does it make a sound?

Every now and then I like to provide a little link to something of interest and value. As a gift for stopping by today, I'd like to share Google Notebook. Wow! Those Google guys are cooking up all kinds of "Googly Goodness" these days (I wish I'd cashed in on that stock a few years back). This thing rocks my world. I love it, chances are you will too. I clip, bookmark, and post all kinds of good things to my notebooks. It is a personal scrapbook and much more. I use it for work and play. Chances are it will help AP become a better blog too. Maybe it will help you.

As was the case before my hiatus (my psychologist prefers I call my "nietzschesqe" descent into madness a hiatus from the real world....don't worry, I brought some of the abyss back for you too), you can send any questions you may have (or can make up) to "Knight's Mailbag". In the past, that mailbag has provided some interesting discussions. I may not be qualified to provide much professional assistance, but I guarantee some interesting answers, advice, or just plain bullshit.

I'd like to leave you with an interesting quote and an upcoming topic that you should check back on...

"Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman. " ~ Maryon Pearson

Now, to edit out all those freaking spam comments this blog has collected over the past year or two...

Angelina Bless!

JK

Katrina and The Waves

2005-08-29T13:52:00.000-05:00

James Knight (Assassination Press)

I'm still alive after Hurricane Katrina briefly hit Florida. I need to update my list of Hurricane's that I have survived to date. Every time I think about this Hurricane I can't help but think about that 80's group "Katrina and The Waves". You know, "I'm walking on Sunshine........blah blah blah.....it feels good ya!". Terrible group, terrible song, terrible Hurricane......how fitting.

It was very mild for us here in Northern Florida. Just some rain and a little wind. I hope the Gulf Coast areas will be OK after today. It looks pretty bad from some of the images I have seen. I can empathize with what they are experiencing. I can remember how soggy N'awlins was during a bad rain, it must be pretty bad now. I hope they survive, it's a great place to party and see some beautiful women (and if your lucky, some boobs too).

I haven't written in awhile. Right now, I'm pretty busy in my personal and professional life. I've also been busy trying to get "Spin or Spun" up and running. Thanks to everyone who has been helping make "Spin or Spun" a better website. The website is devoted to community and it has some very interesting and intelligent people as members/beta testers. Thanks again!

I'll be writing again soon. I've been saving up some rants and general feelings of malcontent. I'm going to have to get it out into the blogosphere soon.

Sunday Editorial: Virtual Insanity?

2005-08-14T11:54:00.000-05:00

PDF Format

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

“Futures made of virtual insanity (now) Always seem to be govern'd by this love we have For useless, twisting, our new technology…”

“When things are big that should be small Who can tell what magic spells we'll be doing for us…”

Jamiroquai

If you had all that you ever wanted, what would you desire? If all your dreams came true, what would you dream of? Does something have the same value if you didn’t have to dream for it, plan for it, work for it, fuck for it, or find it?

If I was God and I said, “Fuck three wishes, I’m giving you an infinite supply”, what would you say? You’d probably be too busy kissing my ass to say anything. What if I then wave my invisible, but never-the-less, magic hand (unless it’s Sunday and then you will have to wait ‘till the next business day) and any wish your twisted little mind could come up with is granted. Would you be happily ever after?

Since the beginning of time, mankind has wanted to create a Utopia. For some, that Utopia was communal, for others it may have been individual. For some it may have been decadent, for others it may have been moral. Whatever a person or society’s ideal, whether imagined, attempted, or half-realized; the one thing all Utopia’s have in common is failure.

But mankind is persistent. You’ve got to at least give us that. Humankind is an autistic bunch of dumb-ass self-masochists. Got a wall? Got a head? Got a few thousand centuries? If we have the slightest inkling that something is on the other side of that wall, we’re going to beat ourselves silly for it. The great fairytale of Adam and Eve started it all and Adam set a precedent for the rest of us. We may be doomed, but God Damn it, we are definitely persistent motherfuckers.

Many ideals, once thought science fiction or insurmountable, have been realized. Perhaps with today’s technological advances our Utopia is right around the virtual corner. Our entertainment is on demand, our information is on demand, and any kind of pizza your heart could desire is on demand (which is pretty damn close to Utopia anyway). What is next?

We are probably only decades away from cloning ourselves (only the ‘best’ parts). But that will probably be flawed too. The copy is only as good as the original. Humankind isn’t exactly the best example to base a new super race on. In fact, it is pretty much guaranteed to be “FUBAR”. “DNA” really stands for Dangerous No-Good Assholes.

No, the only perfection possible is in something not human. Inhuman even. Those little wires, processors, and chipsets that are allowing you to view these words right now are going to allow you much more in the future.

I haven’t been watching “The Matrix” either. If anything, I’ve dreamt my digital dreams from the seeds planted by William Gibson’s cyber punk novels of the future (he is the person who coined “cyberspace”, among others). And how did Mr. Gibson come up with his ideas? He extrapolated on the reality of what was today. Take something, anything, and then extrapolate the possibilities by 100, 1000, 1,000,000. So, let’s take Mr. Gibson’s formula and apply it now…

What do we have today?

A computer, broadband connection, and a valid credit card can get you information, get you news, get you entertainment, get you video, get you audio, get you pictures, get pizza delivered to your door, and get you off.

What do we have in the future?

Extrapolate that by a million, billion, or gazillion, and you’ve got some flavor of Utopia (or at least some crazy fucker like Dennis Hopper in “Easy Rider” whispering in your ear, “Yeah maaan, it’s like, I’ll have mine with Pepperoni, Sausage, and some fucking Anchovies maaaaan…”.)

Some person, somewhere, at sometime, is going to find that magical little port into our brains and we will be jacked up to our own virtual reality. The clock is ticking; it’s just a matter of time. Bzzzzzzzzt. Goodbye to failure. Goodbye gasoline. Goodbye to that person who wouldn’t take your phone number last night. Presto! With the click of the hard drive and a few million neurotransmitters firing you’ve got yourself a free ride to anywhere and the best damn cybersex this side of Mars. Destination: Funky-town Baby!

The manipulation of our senses is not impossible. It’s just a matter of time before all our senses are plugged in, jacked up, and tuned into a virtual reality that would seem as real as the world you exist in today. Imagine a world where everything you see, touch, hear, smell, and feel is nothing but ones and zeroes designed to make your dreams come true. It’s hard to contemplate.

See, after you’ve conquered your virtual world, what’s left? You’ve sexed up the best there is to offer, been on vacations to every real or imagined place in your mind, spent more money than could ever be printed, and played with all the toys. What’s next? Okay, let’s say you “really really really” like sex (I know, it’s a stretch, but bear with me). Let’s say you “really really really” like jet setting around, spending money, and playing with all the toys you can dream up. You “really really really” like doing it so much, you do it a few million times. In cyberspace, that can happen in the blink of an eye. Time also has no meaning, so you could do it all in a heartbeat. What are you going to do with all your other heartbeats? Think about this now. Let it swirl around in your head for a moment. Anything your heart desires has been given to you. Not just once, but a few million times.

Would you start craving adversity? Would you start craving to work toward your goals and feel the reward that comes with achievement? Maybe you’d plug in and plug out a little bit. Just enough time to realize the imperfections of the real world and then go hide in your virtual reality for some “down time”. Maybe. But, shit, you’ve already done that a bazillion times. It’s old. Dennis Hopper, ala “Easy Rider”, is back and whispering in your ear, “yeah maaaan, you’ve been there, done that maaaan. It’s as old as your grandmother’s crusty underwear maaaan”.

Perhaps, just perhaps, imperfection is perfection. Sure, we all want a better world. There are some things that are just so fucked up that we have to fix them. But perhaps a world where the worst no longer exists, but the best is still a paycheck away is the most we can hope for. Maybe the 80’s band “Loverboy” was really sage and omniscience (versus just pop rock fluff) when saying, “Everybody is working for the weekend. Everybody wants a little romance. Everybody's goin' off the deep end. Everybody needs a second chance, oh…”

Definitely, these are things to think about. But for now I’m going to go find some cyber babes…

Bush: The Missing Years

2005-08-10T15:41:00.000-05:00

PDF Format

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

It's now well established that George W. Bush never showed up for National Guard duty for a period of approximately one year, possibly more, in 1972-1973. Now, Assassination Press has obtained exclusive photo's of Bush during those "missing years".

As you can see in this photo, Bush was partying with Hugh Hefner and some Playboy playmates. He can be seen kneeling by Hefner. My confidential sources tell me that Bush liked to wear his Air National uniforms during those "missing years". According to my source, Bush said, "This uniform is a ***** magnet".

Each week, Assassination Press will submit new photo's of the missing Bush during those formative years. Let me tell you in advance, he was having one hell of a good time!

Sunday Editorial: Insane Problems Require Insane Solutions

2005-08-07T20:01:00.000-05:00

PDF Format

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

“The whole country’s got a fucked up mentality. We all got a gang mentality. Republicans are fucking idiots. Democrats are fucking idiots. Conservatives are idiots and liberals are idiots.”

“Anyone who makes up their mind before they hear the issue is a fucking fool. Everybody is so busy wanting to be down with a gang! I’m a conservative! I’m a liberal! It’s all bullshit.”

“Be a fucking person. Listen. Let it swirl around in your head. Then form your opinion.”

“No normal decent person is one thing. OK!?! I got some shit I’m conservative about; I got some shit I’m liberal about. Crime – I’m conservative. Prostitution – I’m liberal!”

Chris Rock

What is sanity? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, sanity is defined as “reasonable and rational behavior”. What is insane? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, insane is defined as “in or relating to an unsound state of mind, extremely foolish; irrational”.

In our American society today, we have a presidential administration that is acting in extremely foolish and irrational ways. Case in point:

President Bush unilaterally appoints John Bolton as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations.

In an unprecedented move, Bush single handedly appoints a man whom, in all likelihood, would be denied a traditional appointment by the United States Senate. The “recess” appointment, an avenue available only when Congress is in recess and which is intended by the Constitution to only be used in severe circumstances, has allowed President Bush to abuse his power and essentially sidestep Bolton’s detractors without a Senate hearing. Evidently, the only “voice of reason”, is the one inside Bush’s own head.

Bush has said Bolton was “the right man” to prod the U.N. to adopt difficult reforms. However, Bolton is a man who has proven to be uncompromising, extremely conservative, a sharp critic of the United Nations, and a person who has routinely dismissed and/or retaliated against any voices of caution or dissent.

Now, he will have to work with the same entity he has criticized. In addition, he will need to work with 190 other Ambassador’s whom all have differing points of view. It doesn’t seem likely that a man, who has a habit of bullying, marginalizing, and undermining those who do not agree with him, is going to succeed in this capacity. Is this really the “right man” for the job? It makes one wonder what the “job” actually entails.

It seems likely Bolton will alienate the United Nations and it’s members. Thus, the Bush administration has essentially dismissed the largest “voice of reason” in the entire world. And this at a time, when the United States, in the hands of the Bush administration, has already alienated much of the world governments. This is not the action of a sane administration.

Of course, this shouldn’t be much of a surprise. Bush has made more “recess” appointments (106 to be exact). And, Bush has not only tried to “bully” his ideology on the world stage, but on the national stage as well. Case in point:

Bush appoints Ken Tomlinson as chairman of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

Ken Tomlinson, a man who got his start on right-wing radio and whom subsequently ran one of the most conservative talk shows in American history. A man who, as chief of the Reader’s Digest, published one of the most reactionary magazines in the country. A man who happens to be close friends with Karl Rove and many members of the Bush administration.

This is a man who is supposed to provide PBS and NPR with “maximum protection from extraneous influence and control”? Is Tomlinson also the “right man” for the job? I suppose it all depends on what that job entails.

PBS and NPR are publicly funded avenues for independent journalism and entertainment; however, Tomlinson is overtly attempting to turn each publicly funded entity into right wing, conservative avenues, for pro-Bush administration journalism and entertainment. Anything that is not in alignment with conservative values would be cut if Tomlinson has his way.

To date, he has hired ultra conservative consultants to monitor PBS programming for liberal bias, collaborated with the White House to hire “ombudsmen” to keep an eye on the PBS programs “Frontline” and “All Things Considered”, and in an extremely undignified moment has warned a gathering of PBS executives that their programming should reflect conservative values or they would not get public funding (In retaliation for not adhering to his conservative war cry, he stood by as Congress attempted to slash funding for PBS, the very entity he is sworn to protect).

What is even more scary, is that Tomlinson has labeled extremist and/or liberal, anyone who does not align themselves with his, or the Bush administration’s, point of view. Some of his “extremists” include, Sen. Chuck Hagel (Republican) and Former Representative Bob Barr (Republican). To top it off, Tomlinson, as does Bolton, routinely suppresses or manipulates data that offers a dissenting point of view. When two polls he commissioned in 2002 and 2003 revealed that Eighty percent of Americans held a favorable view of PBS and that Ninety-Two percent of the American public considered the PBS reporting of the Iraq war to be unbiased, he squashed it. That is, until he was forced to hand the data over to Congress.

Is this sanity? Trying to brainwash the American public into believing anything the Bush administration wishes to be true?

Can an insane problem be solved with sane solutions? How can those of us with “reasonable and rational behavior” combat the opposite? How can we respond to insanity?

It’s not only the administration that is insane, but many of the people who elected Bush.

These are people who actually believe that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. People who proclaim that all life is sacred (unless you’re talking about the death penalty or gun laws). People who believe that evolution is only a theory. And, to top it off, actually believe Saddam Hussein and Iraq were involved with “9/11”.

So, I think we have a problem on our hands. An insane problem that can only be solved by an insane solution.

We need to turn all those red states into blue states (or at least the one’s that have the most electoral votes). We have to return the United States to sanity. The solution is simple (insane, but simple):

We need to take some of the college educated and/or reasonable adults from the blue states and have them move to the red states prior to the next election. Hey, I’m not asking for much, just an above average IQ. The blue states have more people than red states, surely there are some of you out there who can be relocated.

We need to spread sanity. So listen up all educated and reasonable adults. Texas, Oklahoma, the entire Midwest and South are now taking applications for sane, reasonable, educated people. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. A country is too.

Mahna Mahna Redux: Bushisms

2005-08-04T17:32:00.000-05:00

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

Why do Republicans look like Muppets? Sometimes, they even act like Muppets!

Listen to this.

One Month and Counting...

2005-08-01T18:04:00.000-05:00

It's been one month since I started this blog. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has stopped by for a visit. Hopefully, if I have been doing this thing the way I first imagined, I've made you laugh, ponder, and/or pissed you off.

To date, I've had over 5000 unique visitors and almost twice that many page hits. Circulation has increased from zero to over 400 regular subscribers. Most importantly, I've managed to donate some money to PETA and HSUS just by you guys and gals clicking on those annoying little Google ads (no purchase necessary....hint hint).

It's been a wonderful experience so far and I look forward to providing better content and more multimedia oriented content as well. I really enjoy writing and being creative. Your feedback has been very much appreciated.

This is still very much a work in progress. Soon, I will have a completely new interface and web design for those with higher bandwidth capabilities. I will still have an HTML page for lower bandwidth.

I've been taking a few days off, but I've got some things in the pipeline that I think will be worth a few mintues of your time.

Again, thanks for the visits and stay tuned....

JK

Update: World Domination (Shhhhhhhhhh)

2005-07-28T11:36:00.000-05:00

I've updated yesterday's post. If you click on the link within that post, you will now get an MP3 recording I made to go with the picture (You can also play the clip with the embedded flash player at the top of my page).

Dr. Evil Hires New Number Two

2005-07-27T18:49:00.000-05:00

In his latest diabolical plan to take over the world, Dr. Evil has hired a new Number Two.

Sunday Editorial: Will The Real Slim Shady, Please Stand Up?

2005-07-24T16:30:00.000-05:00

PDF Format

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

“May I have your attention please?"
"May I have your attention please?"
"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"
"I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"
"We're gonna have a problem here..” (Eminem)

This past week, I’ve been meditating on God, politics, sex, and the amazing phenomenon of bumper sticker-itis. If you have read my Blog, or listened to a podcast, you know some of these things. I’m not feeling particularly political today and I’m definitely no sex expert (although I have had my moments……okay, a few seconds, but they still count). So, that leaves God.

Am I qualified to talk about God? Well, a little history…

My mother was born into a family of Southern Baptists, but married into a family of Methodists. After consulting her Pastor (and my father losing five jobs in five years, a small fortune in a failed dog food company, and filing a bankruptcy), she eventually divorced my father. She briefly dated a Muslim Doctor visiting in the States, had an affair with a married man (who was atheist), and finally married a Jew (who doesn’t practice Judaism but loves Kosher food). My father, not a religious man, although quite incredibly gifted at saying the evening prayer, eventually became a born again Christian after my mother divorced him (until backsliding and finally becoming Agnostic). My sister married a Mormon (and then quickly divorced a Mormon). My brother flirted with Satanic worship until finally worshiping only drugs and alcohol. I almost married a Catholic (who briefly flirted with Seventh Day Adventism), but I eventually married into an Episcopalian family. I worked for a Jehovah’s Witness (and have met even more at my front door). After my divorce, I became a Buddhist.

Besides having divorces, a litany of crimes, misdemeanors, and a very dysfunctional family, I can say I have had some personal experience with religion and have been witness to Gods in all forms (and one misfortunate experience with a transgender post-operative transsexual). I think I’m qualified to talk a little about religion, and if not, fuck it.

As a Buddhist (okay, pseudo-buddhist, with my history I will never be dedicated to one thing) and an admirer of eastern thought, I understand one thing cannot exist without the opposite. Hence, good cannot exist without evil. Still, I just don’t think the “Supreme Being”, or “Beings” (depending on your particular flavor of religion), is doing such a great job.

In fact, I think it is time we look for some replacements. His (or Her) resume is not looking good at this point. We have one thing to judge the “Holiest of Holies” on and that is good versus evil. He has one job and that is to win the war of good versus evil. This just in from the newsroom, Evil is winning folks! In fact, I’m struggling to think of what has ever been good about religion in the first place.

Religion has been the cause of war, destruction, and killing. There has never been, in the entire history of mankind, more heinous atrocities performed for any other reason than religion.

Don’t believe me? Lets see, to mention just a few, we have…

The Biblical Wars, The European Wars (First, Second, Third, St. Bartholomew Massacre, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, The War of the Three Henries, and The Wars of The League), The Crusades (First, Second, Third, Fourth, Albigensian, Children’s, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth, and Baltic/Central European Crusades), the Reconquista Periods, Hitler, an assortment of Jihad’s, and some would say the war that takes place every Sunday morning for the last parking space at the local IHOP or Waffle House (I always wager on the Southern Baptist denomination winning that war. But, only through trickery and diversion: “Look over there, Fire and Brimstone”, as they snake their way into that last parking space).

As for the good in religion, the litmus test must be a miracle of some sort. Something that is directly attributable to a Supreme Being. People are capable of being good and I don’t think that takes the Holy Spirit. So, in a nutshell, we are looking for miracles, amazing events in the history of humankind, and/or undeniable acts of God. Hmmmm, Well, ah………there was that image of Virgin Mary on toast, Jesus on a potato chip, and thousands of Chicagoans praying to a stain under a bridge. Way to go big guy!

It would seem that whatever God’s may exist, they just aren’t making the cut. Billions of years of pre-planning, a million years of evolution, and a few thousand years of trial and error and she, he, or they, still can’t find an answer for poverty, murder, disease, crime, corruption, the evil force that eats at least one sock in the dryer, or a way to prevent George Bush from winning the U.S. presidential election (not once, but twice).

In this situation, there is only one thing left for us to do. That is to create our own God. All throughout history, thousands of God’s later, and we still haven’t found the right one. Perhaps, it is up to you and I to manifest the “One True Being”. But, instead of just “One True Being”, I’m going to be generous and allow “Many True Beings”. There is just too much to do and too little time. If you need a God for making your kids eat their broccoli, you got it. Need a God to tell your significant other the right thing to say at the right time (like you are NOT fat in that new dress or you ARE ENTITLED to buy that shiny new gadget at Best Buy), you got it. Need a God to get laid, a God to get the girl, a God to get the guy, it’s all good. The more, the better. They can all work together. Esprit De Corps, ya know?

Still, once you create your God, you need to give it a name for other’s to worship. (Don’t be selfish, we all need some fucking help, Okay?) The name needs to be interesting, memorable, and it might help for your God’s name to be humorous so you can laugh at them a little bit (they are sure to disappoint you, get something out of it). We need a formula for naming our Gods. A formula that is Universal. Hmmmm, why reinvent the wheel? The perfect formula already exists! Let’s use this one:

Take your very first pet’s name and combine it with the name of the street you first lived on (does that sound familiar? I’ll conjure up some cheesy disco beats in case you need some help). In my case, my God is “Sergeant Longleaf”. I’ve been praying to Him since puberty. He doesn’t always deliver (some guidance on how to unhook a bra with one hand would have been helpful), but I’m sure I fucked a few things up too. When "Sergeant Longleaf" ultimately gets his pink slip (and there isn’t any 401K on this benefit plan), he’ll have a second chance at porn stardom (can you imagine how well endowed a God must be?). I’m sure it would inspire new meaning to the “Oh Gods” of His sexual partners.

So, after your initial God ultimately disappoints you, you’ll need to be prepared. You need a backup plan, a default, something or someone that you can actually see, touch, and occasionally feel touched by (vicariously or otherwise).

My default is Angelina Jolie. I can’t think of a better default God. She fits the bill perfectly. Bizarre, Beautiful, Mysterious, Charitable, and a little fucking Crazy.

Still, let’s get precise, according to the conceptions of God from the “Big Three” (no, not Chrysler, Ford, and GM: I’m talking Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), God is usually held to have the properties of Holiness, Justness, Sovereignty, Omnipotence, Omniscience, Omnibenevolence, and Omnipresence. Has Angelina got what it takes?

Okay, okay. She may not be Holy, Just, Sovereign, or have Omniscience, but she damn sure is Omnipotent (with the help of a few gifted plastic surgeons). She qualifies for being Omnibenevolent (she loves both men and women - in and out of bed), and I think she is definitely Omnipresent (I’ve seen her in the movies, on TV, on radio, in the magazine rack at the grocery store, and tacked up to the wall of my friend’s seventeen year old son’s room, that is pretty damn close to everywhere).

As a default God, I’m not going to be picky. Three out of seven ain’t bad. Besides. What man or woman wouldn’t think they had heard the voice of God if Angelina was whispering sweet nothings in their ear?

“I pray to God before I sleep, Angelina Jolie is mine to keep”

Amen.

Footnote: There have been many Gods in the history of the World ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gods ). Having trouble finding a God that is right for you? Not feeling original? Got a sin to repent for? Look here ( http://www.godchecker.com ).

Random Thoughts: Drive Time Observations

2005-07-22T15:05:00.000-05:00

Why do people continue to keep those “Dubya” election stickers on their automobiles? Hello! The election is over and there are no “chads” in sight. You showed your stupidity one day of the year, is it really necessary to show it all the other days in the year too?

Speaking of bumper stickers, why is it that you rarely ever see just one bumper sticker on a car? Is there some unwritten rule in the Universe that one bumper sticker is never enough?

And what is with those people who have stuffed animals in their cars? There is never just one of those animals either. It’s like a freaking zoo inside those cars.

You can tell a lot about a person based on the car they drive (and what’s on it, or inside it). After just a few miles of driving, it becomes evident that we need to support abortion for more reasons than one.

Six Feet Under/Podcasting: Reloaded

2005-07-21T16:39:00.000-05:00

http://libsyn.com/media/assassinationpress/carlin_six_feet_under_remix.mp3"

I've been having some technical difficulties of late (hence the audio clip reloaded). I hope all the problems have been resolved now.

I've begun Podcasting! (which was also the source of my technical problems)

If you would like to subscribe to my podcasts, you can do so in any of the pod clients (i.e. iTunes, Doppler, iPodder, Odeo, et al). I will be producing at least one audio clip per week (content will vary).

Cheers,

James Knight (Assassination Press)

My Odeo Channel (Code: 7f28dd74b3d95c99)

What, Me Worry?

2005-07-21T15:17:00.000-05:00

Technology Today: Cool Things For You To Play With

2005-07-20T15:08:00.000-05:00

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

When your surfing the Internet, it's always a good bet to stop by Google, but not just for the usual search options. They have all kinds of new and innovative services, some are in beta (testing), and some are ready for prime time (general release).

Just go to http://www.google.com/intl/en/options/ for a peek at all the cool new services. There are probably many you didn't know about.

For some cool tools that are still in beta (but which you can still play with), go to http://labs.google.com/.

One of the absolute coolest things that Google has developed so far, is Google Earth (warning: this link is for a Windows Google Earth download).

If you want to learn more what Google Earth can do for you (without downloading), go to http://earth.google.com/index.html. I'm sure you will be as addicted as I am to zooming around a 3-D virtual Earth like Superman. The data, information, and 3-D visuals are sure to fascinate you.

Another cool thing is http://moon.google.com. Follow that link and zoom in all the way, it's good for a laugh.

Six Feet Under (Remixed)

2005-07-18T23:01:00.000-05:00

I made this little mix of George Carlin and the Six Feet Under theme song. Just click on the title of this post to download the MP3 (it's pretty small). Enjoy.

Here is another link to the music. Depending on your setup, it may stream (if possible):

Six Feet Under (Carlin Remix).mp3

Did U Know...

2005-07-18T08:54:00.000-05:00

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

Did U know...

...the rock band U2 is the most popular Christian band in the history of recorded music?

...that we still don't know how planes fly?

...that we may soon be eating meat grown in a lab?

...that I didn't post to my blog all weekend, but instead went to a museum (in an altered state of mind), watched a DVD movie ("The Village" - it was awful, not recommended), had sex (it was fantastic), went swimming in our pool several times (according to the little duckie thermometer floating around in the pool, the water temperature was between 84 and 87 degrees all weekend - sweeeeeeeet), went to dinner (sushi), went to brunch at a trendy little club downtown, came up with some brilliant ideas for new AP editorials (coming soon to this blog), and toiled (in unmerciful Florida heat and humidity) in our yard and lost two pounds?

...that the current administration of the United States government has zero credibility and will covertly attempt to discredit, intimidate, or otherwise target you or your loved ones if you criticize them?

Elizabeth Wurtzel: feminist champion, pharmaceutical watchdog, or pathetic self-absorbed child?

2005-07-15T14:06:00.000-05:00

Foreword:

With great pride, I introduce my guest writer, my femme fatale, my righteous babe, and my significant other, Jennifer Knight.

You will find that she is a very talented writer, satirist, and has a unique voice to add to the Assassination Press.

Sincerely,

James Knight

Elizabeth Wurtzel: feminist champion and pharmaceutical watchdog or pathetic self-absorbed child?

By Jennifer Knight (Assassination Press)

I admit I devoured every page of Prozac Nation when it was first published over seven years ago. I was especially drawn to Wurtzel’s long soulful diatribes on the meaningless of life and read certain, particularly depressing sections over and over as she waxed poetic on the vortex of darkness which sucked her in and forced her to spend endless days lying in bed, listening to Bob Dylan and eschewing her schoolwork, hygiene and basic responsibilities. It was alluring, the idea of spending those days when there seemed to be no reason to kick off the covers, safely cocooned in my bed. I felt her piercing pain and unfulfilled longing, had known all her disappointments as my own and longed to spend my days commiserating at her side. Depression is, after all, a disease, and I was a vicarious member of her support group.

Wurtzel’s next book, More, Now and Again, was even more inspiring. Although I’d never actually snorted Ritalin, I knew that she had been duped once again by the evil pharmaceutical giants. First Prozac, to create a zombie Wurtzel, And when the Prozac let her down, in the same haphazard vein as everyone else in her lonely existence, I understood her disappointment. So now she is left with the little white pills that just can’t mask the pain in their original form. Once again her depression leads her into unchartered waters, and now she has become addicted to a drug prescribed by a physician she trusted, a doctor in charge of her mental health. Once the Ritalin prescription is yanked by said trusted medical physician Wurtzel is left no other choice but to seek less legitimate drugs. The 5th Avenue pushers are replaced with those of lesser credentials—cocaine and heroin become the substitute for her insurance subsidized pharmaceutical cocktail. The book goes on to describe each day of her trials and tribulations in minute detail. At the time her words were my oxygen as she continued to validate my depression, my desperate need to medicate and thus numb the overwhelming hopelessness she and I had become victims to.

Seven years later I thumb through the pages of these worn books--large blocks of text highlighted in yellow and orange, scribbled notes covering the narrow margins, exclamation points peppered throughout—and I wonder why I was so in awe of such blatant narcissism. Rereading the highlighted passages I cringe and wonder how I fell so completely into myself. And then I wonder how many other young women she has lulled into this sticky web of hopelessness, indecision, and self-immersion. I want to draw them a map out of this dark labyrinth, every path leading to endless hours inside their own heads. I want to tell them that the only way out of depression is to step out of your mind and into the world. I want to remind them that this poor Jewish writer went to Harvard and made millions writing her memoirs about these sketchy years of darkness. Her claim to fame is her depression---without her mental anguish she is just another self-absorbed upper-middleclass young woman who hid from the world when deadlines and responsibility called.

I am no stranger to depression, I hear it calling when dusk turns to darkness and long, endless evenings stretch before me. I felt its breath caress my skin in stagnant rooms under mounds of heavy blankets. I have walked hand-in-hand with the darkest spirits calling my name, inviting me to join them in the other-world---any world other than mine. But one day long after reading and rereading Wurtzel’s justification for her blatant and sometimes malicious abuse of substances and family members, I decided to do something for someone other than myself. And by stepping outside of my own mind I learned that happiness has nothing to do with anything that is swirling around in your head---depression is a by-product of long indulgent periods of inner reflection.

And so my advice to Elizabeth Wurtzel is to step outside of herself for five minutes. The most immediate thing she will likely discover is that there are other sentient beings living in her world. And then perhaps her first step should be as simple as thanking her mother for paying the mounds of psychiatric bills she racked up during her years at Harvard. And then maybe she could try actually doing something for somebody besides herself. She could keep it simple in the beginning: bring a sick friend some soup or ask the guy who prepares her daily soy milk lattes at the coffee shop on the corner how life is treating him. No need to vie for the Nobel Prize—just recognize that she is connected to every other living being on this planet---rather than living in the Wurtzel cocoon. I don’t expect miracles; I just want her to put the mirror down for five seconds.

Purple Mayonnaise: Reloaded

2005-07-14T10:07:00.000-05:00

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

I would like to thank the following people for putting this post in their blog:

“I was talking to my mother yesterday, and we both agreed that Purple Mayonnaise would be great!”. “We both talked about Purple Mayonnaise and how fun it would be to have Purple Mayonnaise. Purple Mayonnaise, it’s something we have always wanted.” “Mmmmm-mmmm, Purple Mayonnaise!”, Mom said. “Mmmmmm-mmmm, Purple Mayonnaise”, I said.

If you are utterly confused as to the above post, good ;)

Thanks to (if I'm leaving somene out, I'm sorry, but these are the people I know of):

Rowan [Rowan Rambles]
Der Tommissar [The Donegal Express]
Bret [Bretsounds]
EzineWriter [The Pivot Point Post]

As it stands right now, Purple Mayonnaise is getting some very good page rankings in some of the search engines:

Kudo's to Der Tommissar, he is #4 on Google and MSN.
Kudo's to Rowan, she is #3 on Yahoo.
Kudo's to Bret, he is #5 on Technorati.
Kudo's to EzineWriter for putting an RSS feed on his site.
Assassination Press is #4 on Yahoo.

I really appreciate all the good vibrations. Thanks bloggers.

I expect to see Purple Mayonnaise in the grocery store soon! I hope it fails miserably so that "Thought Harvesting" comes to a complete halt.

BTW, did I mention Purple Mayonnaise?
.

Hump Day Recipe: A Remorseful and Dedicated Human Resources Person

2005-07-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

By James Knight (Assassinated Press)

Ah, life is full of little ironies.

For instance, that a major U.S. company has a Human Resources department when clearly it is an Inhuman Resources department.

Or perhaps, that a certain Human Resources person claims they don’t have FIVE MINUTES to verify some information on a benefits claim (and you were on the phone with them for 15 MINUTES).

I came up with this recipe in special honor of all the amazingly inept and uncaring personnel of the Human Resources departments across this great land....

Ingredients:

1 (or more) Human Resources Person(s) with a bad attitude
1 Medieval Torture Device

Instructions:

Take one Human Resources person with bad attitude and insert onto torture device. Twist, turn, and pull in FIVE MINUTE intervals until they are completely remorseful and dedicated to helping all the employees of their respectful company (not just the ones who can fire them).

In lieu of a Medieval Torture Device (my last check on Ebay and Froogle didn’t yield any results, but keep trying), you may substitute a MP3 player (w/ headphones) and Starship’s “We Built This City” MP3. Place headphones on head and play at full volume for FIVE MINUTE intervals.

Repeat as necessary.

Voila! Now you have a Remorseful and Dedicated Human Resources Person (I said life is full of little ironies).

Enjoy!

Knight's Mailbag: Q and A (07/12/05)

2005-07-12T08:47:00.000-05:00

Question:

Dear Knight,

Hi James, Funny post [Survivor: Florida] (as usual). I have looked for your RSS url, so I can turn it into a guest feed at my site. I require the url to convert it to javascript at: http://www.globalsyndication.com/rss-to-javascript. Then I can make a banner and place it on my page(s) [The Pivot Point Post].

Sincerely,

EzineWriter

Answer:

EzineWriter,

I'm collecting links myself (I also collect bits of wisdom, humor, and Purple Mayonaisse).

In the very near future I will be adding reciprocal links to friends of Assassination Press. Here is my RSS feed....

http://assassinationpress.blogspot.com/atom.xml

Thanks for the link!

Question:

Dear Knight,

I was just on your blog and wanted to say nice work. I was also wondering who designed/hosts your banner, I recently saw it on BlogExplosions and thought it was pretty slick. Any tips would be appreciated. Cheers and happy blogging.

Sincerely,

Scott [LoveTheException]

Answer:

Scott,

Thanks for kind comments.

I design my own banners (and other multimedia content). I'm a software engineer in the real world. This virtual world I create for fun, good karma, and the occassional inflation of my already inflated ego (Don't worry, my significant other keeps me humble.....and a little crazy).

I would suggest getting proficient at Photoshop and Fireworks. These are two very good programs you can use together to create just about anything you can think of.

There is a steep learning curve initially, but once you've conquered it, you'll have a wealth of possibilities at your fingertips. There is plenty of information and tutorials that you can get for free on the Internet. Just google some keywords (i.e. GIF animation) and you'll get plenty of hits.

Alternatively, I would be happy to design/create a banner for you (or anyone else) with a small contribution to PETA on my website.

Question:

Dear Knight,

Damn you crack me up [Sunday Editorial: A Knight Without Shining Armor]! I'm gonna add that purple mayonnaise thing to my blog for sure! I'm curious as to how "lactating man with finger up my ass" happened to find your blog (was it the fingernail thing?) LOL! I'm also curious as to where you get your statistics...does blogger have those stats somewhere that I don't know about or do you use a service?

Sincerely,

Rowan [Rowan Rambles]

Answer:

Rowan,

Warning: the next few lines are a shameless attempt to get more freebies for Assassination Press!

I use several tools for analyzing traffic. They can be found at http://www.statcounter.com http://www.bloggingstats.com, and http://www.feedburner.com.

Warning: the next few lines are a shameless attempt to capture more keyword hits on Purple Mayonaisse!

BTW, thanks for putting the Purple Mayonaisse link and Purple Mayonaisse conversation on your blog! I've heard that Hellmann's is going to manufacture Purple Mayonaisse. Mmmmmm-mmmm. Purple Mayonaisse is definitely gathering more support from bloggers around the world. Did I mention Purple Mayonaisse?

James Knight regularly takes questions from his readers on a wide range of topics. If you have a question you’d like to ask, just email him.

Survivor: Florida

2005-07-11T11:02:00.000-05:00

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

Just got my new t-shirt, “I survived Hurricane Dennis”.

Now, I can add that t-shirt to my “I survived Hurricane Ivan”, “I survived Hurricane Frances”, “I survived Hurricane Charley”, “I survived Hurricane Gordon”, “I survived Hurricane Irene”, “I survived Hurricane Georges”, “I survived Hurricane Earl”, “I survived Hurricane Danny”, “I survived Hurricane Opal”, “I survived Hurricane Erin”, “I survived Hurricane Andrew”, “I survived Hurricane Floyd”, “I survived Hurricane Kate”, “I survived Hurricane Elena”, “I survived Hurricane Bob”, “I survived Hurricane Frederic”, “I survived Hurricane David”, “I survived Hurricane Eloise”, “I survived Hurricane Agnes”, “I survived Hurricane Gladys”, and “I survived Hurricane Abby” t-shirt collection (gasping for breath......whew!).

The picture above this article is a tracking of all the hurricanes, tropical storms, and tropical depressions since 1851. And this is the tourist capital of America?

“Welcome to the Sunshine State!”

When I was a kid and we would go on vacation outside of Florida, I always noticed the signs when coming back into Florida “Arrive Alive Florida: Buckle Up!”. Well, as I’ve gotten older, that sign has new significance for me. I think they should add ...

“Arrive Alive Florida: Buckle Up, Bring Plywood, Bring Extra Water, Bring Sandbags, Bring Extra Batteries, Bring Extra Canned Food, Bring a Radio, Get Life Insurance, and always keep a full gas of tank in case you need to get the hell out of here! Welcome!”

I think I’m going to write a letter to Mark Burnett and CBS. Do you want a real Survivor series? Next stop, Florida! Survivor: Florida. The contestants can all try to survive from June 1st thru November 30th in the Hurricane State. They will have to move to the eye of the storm each week. Now, that, would be something to watch!

Speaking of things to watch, I think the state of Florida should get royalties from The Weather Channel. We could give the proceeds to the victims of “Hurricane (insert name here)”. Here we are trying to survive and these people are using us as entertainment! It’s a ratings bonanza for TWC and Florida should be entitled to some of that commercial revenue that they are getting. I bet those TWC advertisers salivate every time a Hurricane comes near Florida, “Oh boy, great demographics, buy more ad time NOW!” Did you know there are already more TWC weather reporters per capita in Florida than the entire world?

All kidding aside, this is a serious issue and there are undoubtedly many victims. I encourage everyone to evaluate their budget, and if possible, donate to the American Red Cross (http://www.redcross.org/donate/donate.html).

Sunday Editorial: A Knight Without Shining Armor

2005-07-09T20:15:00.000-05:00

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

(This is posted a little early in case I lose electricity due to Hurricane Dennis)

I was looking at my traffic statistics the other day and came across some bots that I did not recognize. For those who are less technically savvy than I, bots are extraterrestrial beings that live in the Internet and try to take over the world. Okay, not really. Bots are computer programs that crawl the Internet and gather data, links, and information (created by people who want to take over the world).

As a self-professed traffic whore (what blog writer isn’t), I went in search of the source for this particular bot. It turns out that this bot was created by a company whose sole purpose is to scour the Internet, particularly blogs, and aggregate the data found on the Internet into marketing information for business clients, politicians, and anyone else with an appetite for public opinion. So, in a nutshell, said company is taking information found on your Aunt Sally’s blog and turning that information over to a company or politician that wants to get Aunt Sally to buy their products or bullshit.

Now, I don’t know about you, but in the truest American fashion (vanity, egotism, and capitalism), I was a little upset about this. I mean, they're making money off of me and I don’t get to see a dime? My precious thoughts are being used without my permission? What the fuck?

Then, after my initial reaction, I got a little scared. No offense to most of you reading this, but some of you are crazy fucks and I just don’t want your opinions influencing our society. Not only do I bear witness to craziness on a daily basis in my real life (have you ever gone shopping at Wal-Mart), I also know some of you are just plain sick from looking at my traffic statistics. I’m getting google hits on things like “Lactating Man With Finger Up My Ass”. Sorry dude, but you have serious problems and I don’t want your opinion influencing others. If that is not enough to persuade you that America has some crazy lunatics out there, just look at who is our President (again).

I thought some more on this and came to the conclusion that we (fellow bloggers) have to use this to our advantage. Let’s start talking about lowering the price of gas, stopping world hunger, and finding a cure to AIDS. Let’s start talking about giving the consumer power and having moral politicians who actually listen to their constituents rather than their bank accounts. Let’s stop ignorance of all forms and stupidity on all levels. While we’re at it, let’s make purple mayonnaise too.

That’s right. Purple Mayonnaise. I think we should have a little fun with these people who are profiting from our sincerest thoughts typed out on the Internet. Let’s use this phenomenon of “thought harvesting” for our own purposes.

Every blog author who reads this should put the following into their blog:

“I was talking to my mother yesterday, and we both agreed that Purple Mayonnaise would be great!”. “We both talked about Purple Mayonnaise and how fun it would be to have Purple Mayonnaise. Purple Mayonnaise, it’s something we have always wanted.” “Mmmmm-mmmm, Purple Mayonnaise!”, Mom said. “Mmmmmm-mmmm, Purple Mayonnaise”, I said.

So, blog writers, let’s change the world! Let’s make the world a better place! And, while we’re at it, let’s make purple mayonnaise!

Serious Saturday: The State of the Union

2005-07-09T10:39:00.000-05:00

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

The State of the Union.

The Union of Marriage that is…

I have been married once, that marriage lasted about seven years and ended in divorce. It was not a happy marriage and it lasted much longer than it should have (seven years too long). I have often wondered about the institution of marriage, as it exists today in society. Amid reports of America’s improving social health, we hear little about the state of marriage. How is marriage faring in American society today? Is it becoming stronger or weaker? Sicker or healthier? Better or worse?

This has led me to do some research. I should preface this by saying I am not for or against marriage. It is definitely something that depends on the persons involved and is not for me, or others to decide (gay, straight, whatever).

The following is a summary of the State of the Union in America today (based on research by several respected Universities in America)…

The Health of Marriage in America:

Key social indicators suggest a substantial weakening of the institution of marriage. Americans have become less likely to marry. When they do marry their marriages are less happy. And married couples face a high likelihood of divorce. Over the past four decades, marriage has declined as the first living together experience for couples and as a status of parenthood. Unmarried cohabitation and unwed births have grown enormously, and so has the percentage of children who grow up in fragile families.

As a “couples relationship”, marriages are more likely to be broken by divorce than by death. And although one might expect that greater freedom to leave an unhappy marriage might increase the chances that intact marriages would be very happy, this does not seem to be the case. Marriages are less happy today than in past decades.

As a “rite of passage”, marriage is losing much of its social importance and ritual significance. It is no longer the standard pathway from adolescence to adulthood for young adults today. It is far less likely to be closely associated with the timing of first sexual intercourse for young women and less likely to be the first living together union for young couples than in the past.

As an adult “stage in the life course”, marriage is shrinking. Americans are living longer, marrying later, exiting marriage more quickly, and choosing to live together before marriage, after marriage, in-between marriages, and as an alternative to marriage. A small but growing percentage of American adults will never marry. As a consequence, marriage is surrounded by longer periods of partnered or unpartnered singlehood over the course of a lifetime.

As an “institution”, marriage has lost much of its legal, religious and social meaning and authority. It has dwindled to a “couples relationship”, mainly designed for the sexual and emotional gratification of each adult. Marriage is also quietly losing its place in the language. With the growing plurality of intimate relationships, people tend to speak inclusively about “relationships” and “intimate partners”, burying marriage within this general category. Moreover, some elites seem to believe that support for marriage is synonymous with far-right political or religious views, discrimination against single parents, and tolerance of domestic violence.

Among “young women”, social confidence in marriage is wavering. Until very recently, young women were highly optimistic about their chances for marital happiness and success. Now, according to youth surveys, their confidence in their ability to achieve successful marriage is declining. Moreover, they are notably more accepting of alternatives to marriage, such as unwed parenthood and cohabitation.

Key Findings based on statistical evidence:

1) Marriage trends in the United States over the past four decades indicate that Americans have become less likely to marry, and that fewer of those who do marry have marriages they consider to be “very happy”.

2) The American divorce rate today is more than twice that of 1960, but has declined slightly since hitting the highest point in our history in the early 1980’s.

3) Projections made using divorce rates in the 1980’s yielded marital breakup chances at well over 50 percent, some as high as 60 percent, while in more recent years the chances have been lowered to about 45 percent.

4) The number of unmarried couples has increased dramatically over the past four decades. Most younger Americans now spend some time living together outside of marriage.

5) The percentage of children who grow up in fragile – typically fatherless – families has grown enormously over the past four decades. This is mainly due to increases in divorce, out-of-wedlock births, and unmarried cohabitation.

6) Surveys of teen attitudes over the past few decades point up a growing disparity. The desire of teenagers for a long-term marriage is greater than ever, but girls have become more pessimistic about ever being able to have such a marriage and both boys and girls have become much more accepting of the alternatives to marriage.

In conclusion, the trends, statistics, and non-partisan surveys all yield that the state of the union is in terrible condition. My only concern is for the children involved. We must find a way for children to find stable and loving environments after divorce or in absence of marriage. As a “latch-key” kid of the 70’s (child of divorce), I understand the importance this.

I invite your opinions, comments, or viewpoints on this subject.

Knight's Mailbag: Q and A

2005-07-08T13:49:00.000-05:00

Question:

Dear Knight,

Thanks for the pointers (Prostate Stimulation: Green Eggs and Ham?)! I read something about this in one of those glamour mags, but it didn’t give this much detail. Is there anyway to get around trimming the nails? Mine are really long. How trimmed do they have to be?

Sincerely,

Mercy

Answer:

Mercy,

The trimming of the nails is necessary to protect the tender rectal tissue. Unless your partner is a masochist or has a fetish for nasty infections, I wouldn’t suggest going for the “P-spot” with those beautifully manicured nails of yours.

In reference to how trimmed they should be....

I am a big fan of two things in life:

1) Trial and Error
2) The Golden Rule

How comfortable would you be with your own, or someone else’s, fingernails in that tender area? The human body is an amazing machine, and have fate would have it, our bodies are fortuitously proportioned for self exploration and pleasure. You should try your finger on yourself first before venturing into unfamiliar territory on another. With some Trial and Error, you should have a pretty good idea of how far to trim your fingernails. When it doesn’t hurt your tender areas, chances are you won’t hurt theirs. And always remember the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do undo to you”.

James Knight regularly takes questions from his readers on a wide range of topics. If you have a question you’d like to ask, just email him.

President Bush Nominates Self For Supreme Court Vacancy

2005-07-07T11:01:00.000-05:00

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

In an unexpected and completely novel turn, President Bush has nominated himself for the Supreme Court vacancy which was recently vacated by Sandra Day O’Connor.

This reporter was allowed an interview with the President to discuss this unprecedented development:

Knight:

Good Morning, Mr. President.

Bush:

Good Morning James.

Knight:

With the recent nomination of yourself to the Supreme Court, there is the question of how, if approved, you would be able to preside over the United States government and be able to serve on the Supreme Court simultaneously. How would you handle both?

Bush:

Well, James, I’m glad you brought that up. I’m a hard worker James. I work hard. You know I’ve always juggled many jobs. There was a time that I was busy running my oil company and producing Hollywood movies at the same time. Also, I was Governor of Texas and an owner of the Texas Rangers baseball franchise at the same time. It was tough, but I always managed to do the jobs at hand.

Knight:

Mr. President, your oil company went bankrupt during that time, also, you gave up your managing ownership of the Rangers when elected Governor of Texas. Can you really compare these types of jobs to being President of the United States and a Supreme Court Justice?

Bush:

Well, I’m just saying it wasn’t easy then and it won’t be easy now. But, I’ll find a way. I’m a hard worker James (winks).

Knight:

Mr. President, you say you’re a hard worker, but you have the record for being a President to have taken the most vacation in the history of the United States. How do you respond to that?

Bush:

James (laughs), I work hard and I play hard. No excuses. Besides, I know some of those Justices personally. I’ve been on vacation with some of them. They play hard too.

Knight:

Mr. President, besides being able to handle two jobs simultaneously, there are questions as to your suitability for becoming a Supreme Court Justice. You have a criminal history, have been convicted of drunk driving, have gone AWOL from the National Guard, have filed several personal bankruptcies, and refused to provide drug tests or answer questions about your drug history. Are you a person who is qualified to become a Supreme Court Justice?

Bush:

Now James, I may have made some mistakes in my past. But, I know how to run a country and I know what is right and what is wrong. One of the most important things in being a Justice is to know the values that this country was built on. Another is to know the Constitution. As President of the United States of America I have signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other President in history. Heck, I practically wrote the thing (laughs).

Knight:

Besides your personal history, there is the question of your political history. You have changed pollution laws for the benefit of power and oil companies, have the record for most executions, broken the Geneva Convention, removed the United States from the Human Rights Commission, dissolved more international treaties than any other President in history. Some say you have removed more freedoms and civil liberties than any other President in the history of the United States. In addition, your presidency has created the biggest federal deficit and worst decline in the American economy ever recorded. Also, you’ve presided over a very debatable war which the world community and much of the country did not want to happen and feels was misrepresented. Don’t you feel that many will question and protest your nomination?

Bush:

Now James, much of that stuff just isn’t true. Those are just naysayers. They exist anywhere you go and no matter who you are. I have the support of true Americans. I have the support of my family and my friends. That’s all I need. That’s all I’ve ever needed.

Knight:

Mr. President, what do you feel your chances are of being approved, confirmed, and ultimately appointed to the Supreme Court?

Bush:

Pretty doggone good James. Absolutely. Heck, even if I don’t get the appointment, I still get to pick the next Justice. It’s a win/win situation, James.

Knight:

Who else are you considering?

Bush:

Well, now I can’t really comment on that James. I’m sure you know that if I don’t get nominated I will appoint someone with the same ideological views as me. I can tell you I considered my brother Jeb, but us Republicans need someone down there in Florida (wink).

Knight:

Mr. President, thank you for the interview. Good luck in your quest.

Bush:

Thanks, James. Now that this thing is over, I’ve got members of the NRA visiting here and we’re about to go hunting, would you care to join us?

Knight:

I’ll decline Mr. President.

Bush:

Later Gator......(points finger like a gun and pretends to shooot me, then exits press room)

Hump Day Recipe: Prozac Martini

2005-07-06T19:33:00.000-05:00

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

James Bond meets Elizabeth Wurtzel!

Three measures of Gin
One measure of Vodka
One measure of Vermouth
40 mg Prozac
Lemon Twist

“Shaken, not stirred”

Warning: May experience nausea, loss of appetite, diarrhea, dry mouth, trouble sleeping, dizziness, drowsiness, yawning, weakness, sweating, severe mental/mood changes, weight loss, loss of sexual desire and ability, vision changes, uncontrolled movements, fever/flu symptoms, muscle stiffness, fast/irregular heartbeats, chest pain, black stools, vomit, bruising/bleeding, seizures, rash, itching, swelling, severe dizziness, trouble breathing.

Enjoy!

Young Master Furry Britches Stock Picks (Week July 5-8)

2005-07-05T13:53:00.000-05:00

By James Knight and Young Master Furry Britches (Assassination Press)

(Gainesville, Florida)

Born in the magical and haunting Norwegian Forests, with a thirst for adventure and mayhem, the Young Master Furry Britches quickly made his way out of the Norwegian Forests and into the Land of Opportunity, America. With amazing powers of extra sensory perception, and possessing finely tuned skills of human manipulation, he has both made a fortune in stocks and captured the hearts and minds of all those around him.

Young Master Furry Britches, Norwegian Forest Cat Extraordinaire, picks his weekly stock winners:

1) Sirius Satellite Radio, Inc. (SIRI) - Four Meows

Nascent technology which is quickly becoming mainstream. All of the Young Master Furry Britches cars are outfitted with this brand of Satellite Radio. He particularly enjoys listening to Radio Margaritaville, Jam On, Left of Center, Sirius Blues, First Wave, Chill, and The Spectrum. He considers this speculative, but worth the investment. Practically every vehicle being manufactured for North America has the option of Sirius Satellite Radio being installed at the factory or at the dealer (in addition to XM). He predicts this to be a big winner and looks forward to hearing Stern in '06. The Young Master gives this FOUR MEOWS out of five.

2) Yahoo, Inc (YHOO) - Three Meows

The Young Master loves Google, but doesn't like the bloated stock price. He expects that Google bubble to burst soon. If you like Google, the Young Master Furry Britches says you gotta like Yahoo. It's the Young Master's start page for the Internet and he believes it has the infrastructure and people to compete with Google, if not win the war. THREE MEOWS out of five.

3) Analog Devices (ADI) - Three Meows

The Young Master Furry Britches has three cell phones (he's a busy cat), ADI makes all of them work. The Young Master thinks cell phones will soon make IPOD's history. Everyone will want the cell phones that will soon provide all forms of entertainment, multimedia, and personal services. Big future for cell phones, big future for ADI. THREE MEOWS out of five.

4) WebMD Corporation (HLTH) - Three Meows

Once, the Young Master hurt his paw in a fight with the bastard cat down the street (yes, it involved some pussy), he turned to the WebMD health portal for some healing advice. Since then, he's been hooked. He is even trying a new diet he found on www.webmd.com. WebMD is the only player in the health services field. Most all doctors and insurance companies have been using services and/or software products developed by WebMD for many years now, that will only continue to grow. With all those aging baby boomers who will need more healthcare soon, the doctor's will be turning to WebMD services/products for even more insurance transactions, office management, and pharmacy services. THREE MEOWS out of five.

5) Shell Transport & Trading Co. (SC) - Two Meows

The Young Master hates oil companies. He considers them evil. However, this company is actively developing alternative energy resources (i.e. hydrogen et al). Several deals with leading auto manufacturers are already in place for hydrogen energy. As far as big oil is concerned, if your going to pick an evil corporation to make some money, this one might have some redeeming characteristics and help you sleep a little better at night. TWO MEOWS out of five.

Check back next week to see how the Young Master Furry Britches' previous stock picks are performing and to see who the Young Masters' newest stock winners will be.

Believe It or Not: Fat to Phat

2005-07-03T23:38:00.000-05:00

CHICAGO -- McDonald’s is recruiting Russell Simmons, P. Diddy and Tommy Hilfiger to perform a miracle makeover: Turn its employees' mundane uniforms into hip street wear.

As it attempts to change its image from a fat purveyor to phat icon, the world’s largest youth employer is turning to these style-setters for what could be an $80 million makeover for its army of workers. The idea is to turn employees into walking brand billboards as they circulate among their peers.

“We’re looking at how do we make our uniforms more appealing, more desirable,” said Bill Lamar Jr., chief marketing officer for McDonald’s USA. He said the talks were “purely exploratory,” although a massive and costly overhaul has been planned.

Marlena Peleo-Lazar, chief creative officer for McDonald’s USA, is overseeing the initiative and has tapped former music executive Steve Stoute, with connecting McD’s with designers.

With roughly 30,000 McDonald’s employees that fall within the young-adult age bracket, “it’s very important to take [uniforms] from what they have to wear to what they want to wear,” Mr. Stoute said.

If the idea doesn’t get lost in translation, McDonald’s would end up rotating through a series of contemporary versions of the original Ray Kroc designs that would be changed in rotations. “You’re taking the original inspiration of McDonald’s and having very famous contemporary designers do a twist on it,” said Mr. Stoute. The ultimate test is whether employees would wear the outfits outside of work as a fashion statement.

Among the top designers the chain is eyeing: Mr. Simmons’ Phat Farm; P. Diddy’s Sean John; American Apparel; American Eagle Outfitters; Abercrombie & Fitch; Fubu; Rocawear; Tommy Hilfiger and others.

Fashion is one of the “languages” that McDonald’s is tapping into to improve its relevance with young adults. When the burger behemoth launched its “I’m lovin’ it” platform nearly two years ago, fashionable crew uniforms in the Netherlands became the rage and customers begged to buy their own versions.

The chain follows other hospitality companies -- especially hotels and airlines -- that for years have been tapping catwalk fashion designers to improve the look and cachet of their employee apparel. Delta’s Song hired Kate Spade to dress its flight crew, while W Hotels hired Kenneth Cole. Even the Italian police wear Armani.

Prostate Stimulation: Green Eggs and Ham?

2005-07-01T09:27:00.000-05:00

Question:

Dear Knight,

My girlfriend and I consider ourselves to be open to sexual experimentation. During one of our role playing sessions (she was raping me), she attempted to put her finger up my ass. I stopped her immediately. She told me that it can be very pleasurable to massage my prostate. I tried to let her continue, but I was so nervous that I couldn’t let her do it. What is the lowdown on prostate stimulation? Am I just being homophobic? How does a person perform proper prostate stimulation?

Sincerely,

Faithful Reader

Answer:

Faithful Reader,

Many men seem to have some hesitation about a finger up the ass. The reasons are probably related to some phobias or taboo. Perhaps there has already been a bad experience with someone who did not know what they were doing. As long as you are with a person you trust, any reason to not at least give it a try are unwarranted or completely ridiculous.

If you enjoy pleasure (and who doesn't), then you owe it to yourself to at least give this a try. If you haven't tried this particular sexual activity, you’re probably missing out. The orgasm you will experience from prostate stimulation will be one of the most intense sensations you have felt.

As for the women, you may have hesitation because you don't know how to do it. Perhaps you too, as with some of the men, have some phobia or find it taboo. If you get pleasure from giving your man pleasure, then this is one thing, if done correctly, which will be very special for both of you (ok, mainly for him, but do unto others).

Here is how to do it.....

First, some background, the prostate measures approximately one and a half inches across, one inch in height and three quarter inches from front to back. The prostate is found about three inches inside the anus, and is situated behind the lower part of the pubic arch and in front of the rectum, and is shaped like a walnut and is of firm consistency.

There are two main ways to stimulate the male prostate, and these are internal and external. In my opinion the internal method is the most satisfying, but it must be done correctly.

For internal stimulation, you must lubricate your finger heavily (water based lubricant) and either use a latex glove or a finger cot (although not entirely necessary, you both may feel more comfortable with finger protection). Make sure that your finger nails have been cut and filed down to insure that the tender rectal tissue does not become torn. After applying the lube, slowly and cautiously insert your finger into his rectum. To relax the area surrounding your finger move inwards and then outwards repeatedly (very slowly), until both you and your partner feel comfortable. Once your finger is full inside, slowly curl your finger, so that your finger is facing the front of the mans body, and gently massage the prostate (see above for location and feel of the prostate).

For external stimulation, apply a degree of pressure to the area found between your partner’s scrotum and anus with your index finger. Simply place your index and middle finger on the perineum (the area between the scrotum and anus). Now run your fingers up and down forcefully pressing on this area as you go. Be sure that your fingernails have been trimmed. Move slowly and test different spots while asking your partner which area feels best. Once you've found his pressure point ask him how it feels as you apply more and more pressure. Undoubtedly, you'll be surprised at how much pressure is desired. This intense massage is best when accompanied by other forms of stimulation. With some experience you'll be able to stimulate this area during fellatio and even intercourse. By placing pressure and massaging this area you are still massaging the prostate, but you need not worry about the issues involved with anal play!

Men, you may find that you *do* like green eggs and ham!

James Knight regularly takes questions from his readers on a wide range of topics. If you have a question you’d like to ask, just email him.

Curiosity Killed The Cat?

2005-06-30T11:37:00.000-05:00

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

(New York, New York)

There appears to be a growing trend among young America to experiment among members of the same sex. This "fad" has primarily been among members of the female sex. It has given birth to such labels as "Lipstick Lesbian", "Lesbian Chic", and so on.

The fascination with girl on girl action has always been a fantasy of many males, now it appears to have become a fantasy among many females. One not limited to the imagination either.

Perhaps, the curiosity was always there for young women and a more tolerant society has made it acceptable. Perhaps now that we've seen sexual experimentation in our movies, media, and on television it has become "chic". Perhaps, men just plain suck and women have had enough.

After Madonna and Britney (and their infamous kiss), you've got to wonder who's next? Probably that 18 year old hottie down the street.

Personally, I think it is wonderful. Sexual experimentation, when done safely, can be an extremely important part of finding one's identity. I don't think people should be forced or coerced into experimentation, but if done willingly I don't have any problem with sexual experimentation.

The only question I have is, what about us guys? Could this be the beginning of the end for males? Will we become an afterthought? Hell, if I were a woman, I'd be sexing up women too. In fact, I'd probably go from bisexual to lesbianism after the first oral orgasm I received from a woman. I am a lesbian trapped in a man's body after all.

Most men, from what I've heard from other women, are amazingly inept at giving sexual pleasure, providing emotional security, and ultimately incapable of providing orgasms for them (without the help of a machine at least). This, combined with the many compatible personality traits of same sex couples, leads me to the question, if women find women more pleasurable, what are us men going to do for some action?

It might have been hard enough to find some action in our adolescence, but imagine what today's young teen males are going to have to deal with! "Hey, Mary Jane, would you like to go to the Prom with me?"...."Sorry Charlie, I've got a date with Britney".

So, listen up young American men, pick up that "Women are from Venus" book, start practicing oral stimulation on your pillows, go shopping for some shoes, and learn the latest metrosexual fashions, you've got to win back the hearts (and other body parts) of our young American women. Our future depends on you!

Lactating Men of America and The Amazing 69 Percent

2005-06-29T12:16:00.000-05:00

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

(New York, New York)

Dr. Alfreud E. Pavlovian, affectionately known as “Poppa” to those who are close to him (and “Franken-Freud” to his adversaries), watches the parade along Fifth Avenue with delight. He briskly and cheerfully walks amongst the throng of brightly colored marchers and spectators, keeping pace with the parade float which bears his likeness (robust cheeks, handle bar mustache, and bespectacled baldness). As he walks, he occasionally exchanges a brief smile and handshake with various spectators, many of whom are looking for an autograph.

Dr. Pavlovian has become a modern day counter-culture hero in addition to being the most prolific scientist in the emerging realm of gender genetics. His scientific studies into gender genetics (and ultimate goal to create a male species capable of reproduction) are almost as widely publicized as his personal life. Much of his scientific studies, and subsequent creation of the Y-gene implant (which currently allow males to develop breasts and subsequently lactate on demand), was done in Holland. The Netherlands provided him with the means and anonymity to do his studies without government controls or limitations on genetic research (not to mention providing him with a supply of eager genetic volunteers, of which, his supply was said to come mainly from the Dutch brothels that he frequented so much). Dr. Pavlovian’s penchant for brothels and cannabis cafe’s are just as notorious as his bisexual experimentation and extreme left political views. When asked about his bisexuality, Dr. Pavlovian responds, “I’m not a bisexual. I’m a try-sexual, I’ll try anything once!”.

The spectators of the parade for LMOA (Lactating Men of America) are marvelously decorated in brilliant colors and it is difficult to separate the spectators from the members of the parade. Hot pants, rainbow colors, feathers, nakedness, and leather all mix together to form a kaleidoscope of brilliant fashion along the hot asphalt streets of downtown New York. Sun drenched bodies bask in the noon sun and there is an undeniable smell of body odor which mingles with perfumes, colognes, and cotton candy. The sweetly-sick smell does little to deter the enthusiasm of the crowd. If anything, it seems to intoxicate them and excite their revelry. Many are kissing and some dare to risk more explicit public displays of affection.

The group of genetically altered males, affectionately known to Dr. Pavlovian as the “Y-nots”, are all members of the LMOA (Lactating Men of America). Today, they are marching in brightly colored Victoria Secret Wonder Bra’s. The men sport the bra’s in various colors. Shades of Blue, Yellow, and Red are worn alongside the more fashion conscious members wearing Velvet Deluxe Pink and Faux Leather Leopard. Victoria’s Secret was petitioned to provide them for the members of LMOA and Victoria’s Secret only succumbed after numerous stores in the New York City area were picketed by members of the LMOA. That, combined with a highly supportive article which appeared on the front page of the New York Times, (not to mention the media frenzy surrounding the class action lawsuit brought against Victoria’s Secret by LMOA for discrimination) provided the catalyst for the addition of the newly designed “Wonder Bra (For Him)” line of Wonder Bra’s (special orders only).

“Poppa” stops momentarily, grabs the suntan lotion from his pocket, and dispatches a creamy bundle of SPF 30 onto his shining pate. A parade spectator offers him one of her brightly colored veils to wipe his hands (she is dressed as a dancer of the seven veils and removes the seventh with amazing slight of hand). Before Dr. Pavlovian can graciously take the veil to wipe his hands, the spectator pushes a purple magic-marker toward Dr. Pavlovian and he charitably signs the veil before cleaning his hands.

“I’ve always admired Dr. Pavlovian”, says Sheila Creams of Newark, New Jersey. Sheila, a member of the Transgender Society of America, is one of many who have read the Doctor’s New York Times Bestseller “Gender Genetics: The Y’s and the Y-Nots”. She, unlike some of her transgender colleagues, is in support of renaming the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center so that the “Y-Nots” are also incorporated (i.e. The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Y-Not Community Center). Many in the Transgender and Gay community believe that the “Y-Nots” should be considered a sect of the Transgenders, “They do not deserve any separate recognition”, says Supreme Princess Die Anna, president of the Tri-State Area Transgender Society . In response, the LMOA has threatened litigation and they vehemently insist that they deserve their very own identification since they are genetically enhanced to provide milk to their offspring (versus being transgender post-op).

In addition to the Community Center litigation, the LMOA also have litigation pending against Hooter’s (for sexual discrimination in hiring practices), the lawsuit against Victoria’s Secret (to open a Victor’s Secret), a defamation lawsuit against President Bush (for his public comment, ‘Y-Not? The question is Why!’, and a lawsuit against the Christian Coalition claiming a conspiracy to bomb the Y-gene implant clinics.

Amid the controversy surrounding Pavlovian and his Y-gene implant, one must marvel at the results of the new procedure. Independent studies have found that, of the men who have been given the implant successfully (compared to men who are traditional fathers) 69% are more likely to have successful marriages, 69% are more capable of providing sexual satisfaction to their partners, 69% are less likely to be involved in domestic violence, 69% are more likely to be financially secure, and finally that 69% become better parents than their spouses. Independent scientists speculate that the maternal bond and emotional state that is created by suckling their children impacts the male psyche in positive ways and continues to do so for the rest of their lives. They also speculate that they become better parents than their spouses due to the lack of menstruation and the associated PMS symptoms (although some implanted men have complained of monthly soreness in their breasts and a side effect of “bitchy-ness”). Dr. Joseph Steinberg states in his scientific summary, “There is no denying that recipients of Dr. Pavlovian’s Y-gene implant who provide milk for their children become better parents, better people, and better providers (emotionally and financially) than their male counterparts”. When Dr. Pavlovian is asked about the results, he says, “Personally I was shooting for 77%, you get ate more!”.

The Christian Coalition has condemned the studies and the scientific procedure emphatically. “I don’t care if it solves World Hunger, it just ain’t right!”, says Mr. John-Wayne White, president of the “Save America” organization. Mr. White, who stands among his congregation and supporters, holds a sign that says “Get Saved or Get Hell”. When told about the scientific results of independent studies which show improvement in the male species, Mr. White responded “I don’t care if it solves World Hunger, it just ain’t right!” (again). Mrs. White stands by her husband’s side. She apologizes for her husband and says, “He isn’t as well spoken as Rush Limbaugh, but his heart’s in the right place”. Mr. and Mrs. White both say that they listen to Rush Limbaugh everyday and if this reporter needs to understand their plight, “Just turn the damn radio on!”.

Dr. Pavlovian can be seen in the distance as the parade begins to wind down. One of the members of LMOA is straggling behind the parade. His newly minted Wonder Bra (Fuchsia Fun-time For Him) hangs down as his infant child sucks voraciously on his nipple. There is a pink boa on the man’s head and purple angel feathers sprouting from his back, “We just want to be taken seriously”, he says.

2005-06-29T10:40:00.000-05:00

This is a test of the Assassination Press. This is only a test. In the event of a real emergency, you should call 911. Of course, we've found dialing sex phone numbers is much more fun.