Assassination Press

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Lactating Men of America and The Amazing 69 Percent

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

(New York, New York)

Dr. Alfreud E. Pavlovian, affectionately known as “Poppa” to those who are close to him (and “Franken-Freud” to his adversaries), watches the parade along Fifth Avenue with delight. He briskly and cheerfully walks amongst the throng of brightly colored marchers and spectators, keeping pace with the parade float which bears his likeness (robust cheeks, handle bar mustache, and bespectacled baldness). As he walks, he occasionally exchanges a brief smile and handshake with various spectators, many of whom are looking for an autograph.

Dr. Pavlovian has become a modern day counter-culture hero in addition to being the most prolific scientist in the emerging realm of gender genetics. His scientific studies into gender genetics (and ultimate goal to create a male species capable of reproduction) are almost as widely publicized as his personal life. Much of his scientific studies, and subsequent creation of the Y-gene implant (which currently allow males to develop breasts and subsequently lactate on demand), was done in Holland. The Netherlands provided him with the means and anonymity to do his studies without government controls or limitations on genetic research (not to mention providing him with a supply of eager genetic volunteers, of which, his supply was said to come mainly from the Dutch brothels that he frequented so much). Dr. Pavlovian’s penchant for brothels and cannabis cafe’s are just as notorious as his bisexual experimentation and extreme left political views. When asked about his bisexuality, Dr. Pavlovian responds, “I’m not a bisexual. I’m a try-sexual, I’ll try anything once!”.

The spectators of the parade for LMOA (Lactating Men of America) are marvelously decorated in brilliant colors and it is difficult to separate the spectators from the members of the parade. Hot pants, rainbow colors, feathers, nakedness, and leather all mix together to form a kaleidoscope of brilliant fashion along the hot asphalt streets of downtown New York. Sun drenched bodies bask in the noon sun and there is an undeniable smell of body odor which mingles with perfumes, colognes, and cotton candy. The sweetly-sick smell does little to deter the enthusiasm of the crowd. If anything, it seems to intoxicate them and excite their revelry. Many are kissing and some dare to risk more explicit public displays of affection.

The group of genetically altered males, affectionately known to Dr. Pavlovian as the “Y-nots”, are all members of the LMOA (Lactating Men of America). Today, they are marching in brightly colored Victoria Secret Wonder Bra’s. The men sport the bra’s in various colors. Shades of Blue, Yellow, and Red are worn alongside the more fashion conscious members wearing Velvet Deluxe Pink and Faux Leather Leopard. Victoria’s Secret was petitioned to provide them for the members of LMOA and Victoria’s Secret only succumbed after numerous stores in the New York City area were picketed by members of the LMOA. That, combined with a highly supportive article which appeared on the front page of the New York Times, (not to mention the media frenzy surrounding the class action lawsuit brought against Victoria’s Secret by LMOA for discrimination) provided the catalyst for the addition of the newly designed “Wonder Bra (For Him)” line of Wonder Bra’s (special orders only).

“Poppa” stops momentarily, grabs the suntan lotion from his pocket, and dispatches a creamy bundle of SPF 30 onto his shining pate. A parade spectator offers him one of her brightly colored veils to wipe his hands (she is dressed as a dancer of the seven veils and removes the seventh with amazing slight of hand). Before Dr. Pavlovian can graciously take the veil to wipe his hands, the spectator pushes a purple magic-marker toward Dr. Pavlovian and he charitably signs the veil before cleaning his hands.

“I’ve always admired Dr. Pavlovian”, says Sheila Creams of Newark, New Jersey. Sheila, a member of the Transgender Society of America, is one of many who have read the Doctor’s New York Times Bestseller “Gender Genetics: The Y’s and the Y-Nots”. She, unlike some of her transgender colleagues, is in support of renaming the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center so that the “Y-Nots” are also incorporated (i.e. The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Y-Not Community Center). Many in the Transgender and Gay community believe that the “Y-Nots” should be considered a sect of the Transgenders, “They do not deserve any separate recognition”, says Supreme Princess Die Anna, president of the Tri-State Area Transgender Society . In response, the LMOA has threatened litigation and they vehemently insist that they deserve their very own identification since they are genetically enhanced to provide milk to their offspring (versus being transgender post-op).

In addition to the Community Center litigation, the LMOA also have litigation pending against Hooter’s (for sexual discrimination in hiring practices), the lawsuit against Victoria’s Secret (to open a Victor’s Secret), a defamation lawsuit against President Bush (for his public comment, ‘Y-Not? The question is Why!’, and a lawsuit against the Christian Coalition claiming a conspiracy to bomb the Y-gene implant clinics.

Amid the controversy surrounding Pavlovian and his Y-gene implant, one must marvel at the results of the new procedure. Independent studies have found that, of the men who have been given the implant successfully (compared to men who are traditional fathers) 69% are more likely to have successful marriages, 69% are more capable of providing sexual satisfaction to their partners, 69% are less likely to be involved in domestic violence, 69% are more likely to be financially secure, and finally that 69% become better parents than their spouses. Independent scientists speculate that the maternal bond and emotional state that is created by suckling their children impacts the male psyche in positive ways and continues to do so for the rest of their lives. They also speculate that they become better parents than their spouses due to the lack of menstruation and the associated PMS symptoms (although some implanted men have complained of monthly soreness in their breasts and a side effect of “bitchy-ness”). Dr. Joseph Steinberg states in his scientific summary, “There is no denying that recipients of Dr. Pavlovian’s Y-gene implant who provide milk for their children become better parents, better people, and better providers (emotionally and financially) than their male counterparts”. When Dr. Pavlovian is asked about the results, he says, “Personally I was shooting for 77%, you get ate more!”.

The Christian Coalition has condemned the studies and the scientific procedure emphatically. “I don’t care if it solves World Hunger, it just ain’t right!”, says Mr. John-Wayne White, president of the “Save America” organization. Mr. White, who stands among his congregation and supporters, holds a sign that says “Get Saved or Get Hell”. When told about the scientific results of independent studies which show improvement in the male species, Mr. White responded “I don’t care if it solves World Hunger, it just ain’t right!” (again). Mrs. White stands by her husband’s side. She apologizes for her husband and says, “He isn’t as well spoken as Rush Limbaugh, but his heart’s in the right place”. Mr. and Mrs. White both say that they listen to Rush Limbaugh everyday and if this reporter needs to understand their plight, “Just turn the damn radio on!”.

Dr. Pavlovian can be seen in the distance as the parade begins to wind down. One of the members of LMOA is straggling behind the parade. His newly minted Wonder Bra (Fuchsia Fun-time For Him) hangs down as his infant child sucks voraciously on his nipple. There is a pink boa on the man’s head and purple angel feathers sprouting from his back, “We just want to be taken seriously”, he says.

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Blogger Jon said...

Never heard of LMOA or Dr. Alfreud E. Pavlovian.

Where can I find information?


4:34 AM  
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