President Bush Nominates Self For Supreme Court Vacancy

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

In an unexpected and completely novel turn, President Bush has nominated himself for the Supreme Court vacancy which was recently vacated by Sandra Day O’Connor.

This reporter was allowed an interview with the President to discuss this unprecedented development:



Knight:

Good Morning, Mr. President.

Bush:

Good Morning James.

Knight:

With the recent nomination of yourself to the Supreme Court, there is the question of how, if approved, you would be able to preside over the United States government and be able to serve on the Supreme Court simultaneously. How would you handle both?

Bush:

Well, James, I’m glad you brought that up. I’m a hard worker James. I work hard. You know I’ve always juggled many jobs. There was a time that I was busy running my oil company and producing Hollywood movies at the same time. Also, I was Governor of Texas and an owner of the Texas Rangers baseball franchise at the same time. It was tough, but I always managed to do the jobs at hand.

Knight:

Mr. President, your oil company went bankrupt during that time, also, you gave up your managing ownership of the Rangers when elected Governor of Texas. Can you really compare these types of jobs to being President of the United States and a Supreme Court Justice?

Bush:

Well, I’m just saying it wasn’t easy then and it won’t be easy now. But, I’ll find a way. I’m a hard worker James (winks).

Knight:

Mr. President, you say you’re a hard worker, but you have the record for being a President to have taken the most vacation in the history of the United States. How do you respond to that?

Bush:

James (laughs), I work hard and I play hard. No excuses. Besides, I know some of those Justices personally. I’ve been on vacation with some of them. They play hard too.

Knight:

Mr. President, besides being able to handle two jobs simultaneously, there are questions as to your suitability for becoming a Supreme Court Justice. You have a criminal history, have been convicted of drunk driving, have gone AWOL from the National Guard, have filed several personal bankruptcies, and refused to provide drug tests or answer questions about your drug history. Are you a person who is qualified to become a Supreme Court Justice?

Bush:

Now James, I may have made some mistakes in my past. But, I know how to run a country and I know what is right and what is wrong. One of the most important things in being a Justice is to know the values that this country was built on. Another is to know the Constitution. As President of the United States of America I have signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other President in history. Heck, I practically wrote the thing (laughs).

Knight:

Besides your personal history, there is the question of your political history. You have changed pollution laws for the benefit of power and oil companies, have the record for most executions, broken the Geneva Convention, removed the United States from the Human Rights Commission, dissolved more international treaties than any other President in history. Some say you have removed more freedoms and civil liberties than any other President in the history of the United States. In addition, your presidency has created the biggest federal deficit and worst decline in the American economy ever recorded. Also, you’ve presided over a very debatable war which the world community and much of the country did not want to happen and feels was misrepresented. Don’t you feel that many will question and protest your nomination?

Bush:

Now James, much of that stuff just isn’t true. Those are just naysayers. They exist anywhere you go and no matter who you are. I have the support of true Americans. I have the support of my family and my friends. That’s all I need. That’s all I’ve ever needed.

Knight:

Mr. President, what do you feel your chances are of being approved, confirmed, and ultimately appointed to the Supreme Court?

Bush:

Pretty doggone good James. Absolutely. Heck, even if I don’t get the appointment, I still get to pick the next Justice. It’s a win/win situation, James.

Knight:

Who else are you considering?

Bush:

Well, now I can’t really comment on that James. I’m sure you know that if I don’t get nominated I will appoint someone with the same ideological views as me. I can tell you I considered my brother Jeb, but us Republicans need someone down there in Florida (wink).

Knight:

Mr. President, thank you for the interview. Good luck in your quest.

Bush:

Thanks, James. Now that this thing is over, I’ve got members of the NRA visiting here and we’re about to go hunting, would you care to join us?

Knight:

I’ll decline Mr. President.

Bush:

Later Gator......(points finger like a gun and pretends to shooot me, then exits press room)