Assassination Press

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Sunday Editorial: A Knight Without Shining Armor

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

(This is posted a little early in case I lose electricity due to Hurricane Dennis)

I was looking at my traffic statistics the other day and came across some bots that I did not recognize. For those who are less technically savvy than I, bots are extraterrestrial beings that live in the Internet and try to take over the world. Okay, not really. Bots are computer programs that crawl the Internet and gather data, links, and information (created by people who want to take over the world).

As a self-professed traffic whore (what blog writer isn’t), I went in search of the source for this particular bot. It turns out that this bot was created by a company whose sole purpose is to scour the Internet, particularly blogs, and aggregate the data found on the Internet into marketing information for business clients, politicians, and anyone else with an appetite for public opinion. So, in a nutshell, said company is taking information found on your Aunt Sally’s blog and turning that information over to a company or politician that wants to get Aunt Sally to buy their products or bullshit.

Now, I don’t know about you, but in the truest American fashion (vanity, egotism, and capitalism), I was a little upset about this. I mean, they're making money off of me and I don’t get to see a dime? My precious thoughts are being used without my permission? What the fuck?

Then, after my initial reaction, I got a little scared. No offense to most of you reading this, but some of you are crazy fucks and I just don’t want your opinions influencing our society. Not only do I bear witness to craziness on a daily basis in my real life (have you ever gone shopping at Wal-Mart), I also know some of you are just plain sick from looking at my traffic statistics. I’m getting google hits on things like “Lactating Man With Finger Up My Ass”. Sorry dude, but you have serious problems and I don’t want your opinion influencing others. If that is not enough to persuade you that America has some crazy lunatics out there, just look at who is our President (again).

I thought some more on this and came to the conclusion that we (fellow bloggers) have to use this to our advantage. Let’s start talking about lowering the price of gas, stopping world hunger, and finding a cure to AIDS. Let’s start talking about giving the consumer power and having moral politicians who actually listen to their constituents rather than their bank accounts. Let’s stop ignorance of all forms and stupidity on all levels. While we’re at it, let’s make purple mayonnaise too.

That’s right. Purple Mayonnaise. I think we should have a little fun with these people who are profiting from our sincerest thoughts typed out on the Internet. Let’s use this phenomenon of “thought harvesting” for our own purposes.

Every blog author who reads this should put the following into their blog:

“I was talking to my mother yesterday, and we both agreed that Purple Mayonnaise would be great!”. “We both talked about Purple Mayonnaise and how fun it would be to have Purple Mayonnaise. Purple Mayonnaise, it’s something we have always wanted.” “Mmmmm-mmmm, Purple Mayonnaise!”, Mom said. “Mmmmmm-mmmm, Purple Mayonnaise”, I said.

So, blog writers, let’s change the world! Let’s make the world a better place! And, while we’re at it, let’s make purple mayonnaise!

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Blogger Rowan said...

damn you crack me up! I'm gonna add that purple mayonnaise thing to my blog for sure!

I'm curious as to how "lactating man with finger up my ass" happened to find your blog (was it the fingernail thing?) LOL!

(ps - I'm also curious as to where you get your statistics...does blogger have those stats somewhere that I don't know about or do you use a service?)

11:04 PM  
Blogger Necromantic Angel said...

Nice blog.'s one fucking hiliarious search phrase to get...rofl. Wish I had that.

2:24 AM  
Blogger Ghone said...

Great post, most amusing!

Mmm... purple mayonnaise...

5:56 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

mmm.. purple mayo.. LOL that was cute.

11:22 AM  
Blogger Rowan said...

Hope you are surviving Dennis!

2:06 PM  
Blogger Neutron said...

actually I LOVE purple mayonnaise...I never eat yellow strawberries without it - hope you survive the hurricanes...looks grim on CNN

5:27 PM  
Blogger HART (1-800-HART) said...

Oh... I gots to get me some of that Purple mayonnaise .. Mmmmmm-mmmm .. yes I do!

Good post! Take care.

5:36 PM  
Anonymous ezinewriter said... don't like purple mayo?
Who doesn't like purple mayo?.... Let's see a show of hands.....c'mon....put your hands up......that's what I thought....

( As usual, James, 'funny, unique, and eerily brilliant'..[ insert spooky music here ]... )

8:09 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I think they already market purple mayo for the kids. It's on aisle 4 over at the Super Walmart.

Deliberate Chaos

8:25 PM  
Blogger J_Yates_uk said...

...some of you are crazy fucks and I just don’t want your opinions influencing our society...
LOL... right on the money.

3:48 AM  
Blogger A Knight Without Shining Armor said...

Thanks for all the great comments everyone. I'm glad you've enjoyed the post.

Rowan, I use several tools for analyzing traffic. They can be found at,, and They are all free (with an option for more advanced services). The bot information is captured in my stats on feedburner (among others).

Everyone, don't forget to put purple mayonnaise in your blog! ;)

9:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The funny thing is .. my friends wouldn't think twice about this ..

Purple mayo? .. man we knew she was a few cards short of a full deck!

10:06 AM  
Blogger Der Tommissar said...

It's been added. If they hook us up with purple mayo and neither of us gets a check, it's class-action lawsuit time.

7:05 PM  
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