Update: World Domination (Shhhhhhhhhh)

I've updated yesterday's post. If you click on the link within that post, you will now get an MP3 recording I made to go with the picture (You can also play the clip with the embedded flash player at the top of my page).

Dr. Evil Hires New Number Two

In his latest diabolical plan to take over the world, Dr. Evil has hired a new Number Two.

Sunday Editorial: Will The Real Slim Shady, Please Stand Up?

PDF Format

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

“May I have your attention please?"
"May I have your attention please?"
"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"
"I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"
"We're gonna have a problem here..” (Eminem)

This past week, I’ve been meditating on God, politics, sex, and the amazing phenomenon of bumper sticker-itis. If you have read my Blog, or listened to a podcast, you know some of these things. I’m not feeling particularly political today and I’m definitely no sex expert (although I have had my moments……okay, a few seconds, but they still count). So, that leaves God.

Am I qualified to talk about God? Well, a little history…

My mother was born into a family of Southern Baptists, but married into a family of Methodists. After consulting her Pastor (and my father losing five jobs in five years, a small fortune in a failed dog food company, and filing a bankruptcy), she eventually divorced my father. She briefly dated a Muslim Doctor visiting in the States, had an affair with a married man (who was atheist), and finally married a Jew (who doesn’t practice Judaism but loves Kosher food). My father, not a religious man, although quite incredibly gifted at saying the evening prayer, eventually became a born again Christian after my mother divorced him (until backsliding and finally becoming Agnostic). My sister married a Mormon (and then quickly divorced a Mormon). My brother flirted with Satanic worship until finally worshiping only drugs and alcohol. I almost married a Catholic (who briefly flirted with Seventh Day Adventism), but I eventually married into an Episcopalian family. I worked for a Jehovah’s Witness (and have met even more at my front door). After my divorce, I became a Buddhist.

Besides having divorces, a litany of crimes, misdemeanors, and a very dysfunctional family, I can say I have had some personal experience with religion and have been witness to Gods in all forms (and one misfortunate experience with a transgender post-operative transsexual). I think I’m qualified to talk a little about religion, and if not, fuck it.

As a Buddhist (okay, pseudo-buddhist, with my history I will never be dedicated to one thing) and an admirer of eastern thought, I understand one thing cannot exist without the opposite. Hence, good cannot exist without evil. Still, I just don’t think the “Supreme Being”, or “Beings” (depending on your particular flavor of religion), is doing such a great job.

In fact, I think it is time we look for some replacements. His (or Her) resume is not looking good at this point. We have one thing to judge the “Holiest of Holies” on and that is good versus evil. He has one job and that is to win the war of good versus evil. This just in from the newsroom, Evil is winning folks! In fact, I’m struggling to think of what has ever been good about religion in the first place.

Religion has been the cause of war, destruction, and killing. There has never been, in the entire history of mankind, more heinous atrocities performed for any other reason than religion.

Don’t believe me? Lets see, to mention just a few, we have…

The Biblical Wars, The European Wars (First, Second, Third, St. Bartholomew Massacre, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, The War of the Three Henries, and The Wars of The League), The Crusades (First, Second, Third, Fourth, Albigensian, Children’s, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth, and Baltic/Central European Crusades), the Reconquista Periods, Hitler, an assortment of Jihad’s, and some would say the war that takes place every Sunday morning for the last parking space at the local IHOP or Waffle House (I always wager on the Southern Baptist denomination winning that war. But, only through trickery and diversion: “Look over there, Fire and Brimstone”, as they snake their way into that last parking space).

As for the good in religion, the litmus test must be a miracle of some sort. Something that is directly attributable to a Supreme Being. People are capable of being good and I don’t think that takes the Holy Spirit. So, in a nutshell, we are looking for miracles, amazing events in the history of humankind, and/or undeniable acts of God. Hmmmm, Well, ah………there was that image of Virgin Mary on toast, Jesus on a potato chip, and thousands of Chicagoans praying to a stain under a bridge. Way to go big guy!

It would seem that whatever God’s may exist, they just aren’t making the cut. Billions of years of pre-planning, a million years of evolution, and a few thousand years of trial and error and she, he, or they, still can’t find an answer for poverty, murder, disease, crime, corruption, the evil force that eats at least one sock in the dryer, or a way to prevent George Bush from winning the U.S. presidential election (not once, but twice).

In this situation, there is only one thing left for us to do. That is to create our own God. All throughout history, thousands of God’s later, and we still haven’t found the right one. Perhaps, it is up to you and I to manifest the “One True Being”. But, instead of just “One True Being”, I’m going to be generous and allow “Many True Beings”. There is just too much to do and too little time. If you need a God for making your kids eat their broccoli, you got it. Need a God to tell your significant other the right thing to say at the right time (like you are NOT fat in that new dress or you ARE ENTITLED to buy that shiny new gadget at Best Buy), you got it. Need a God to get laid, a God to get the girl, a God to get the guy, it’s all good. The more, the better. They can all work together. Esprit De Corps, ya know?

Still, once you create your God, you need to give it a name for other’s to worship. (Don’t be selfish, we all need some fucking help, Okay?) The name needs to be interesting, memorable, and it might help for your God’s name to be humorous so you can laugh at them a little bit (they are sure to disappoint you, get something out of it). We need a formula for naming our Gods. A formula that is Universal. Hmmmm, why reinvent the wheel? The perfect formula already exists! Let’s use this one:

Take your very first pet’s name and combine it with the name of the street you first lived on (does that sound familiar? I’ll conjure up some cheesy disco beats in case you need some help). In my case, my God is “Sergeant Longleaf”. I’ve been praying to Him since puberty. He doesn’t always deliver (some guidance on how to unhook a bra with one hand would have been helpful), but I’m sure I fucked a few things up too. When "Sergeant Longleaf" ultimately gets his pink slip (and there isn’t any 401K on this benefit plan), he’ll have a second chance at porn stardom (can you imagine how well endowed a God must be?). I’m sure it would inspire new meaning to the “Oh Gods” of His sexual partners.

So, after your initial God ultimately disappoints you, you’ll need to be prepared. You need a backup plan, a default, something or someone that you can actually see, touch, and occasionally feel touched by (vicariously or otherwise).

My default is Angelina Jolie. I can’t think of a better default God. She fits the bill perfectly. Bizarre, Beautiful, Mysterious, Charitable, and a little fucking Crazy.

Still, let’s get precise, according to the conceptions of God from the “Big Three” (no, not Chrysler, Ford, and GM: I’m talking Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), God is usually held to have the properties of Holiness, Justness, Sovereignty, Omnipotence, Omniscience, Omnibenevolence, and Omnipresence. Has Angelina got what it takes?

Okay, okay. She may not be Holy, Just, Sovereign, or have Omniscience, but she damn sure is Omnipotent (with the help of a few gifted plastic surgeons). She qualifies for being Omnibenevolent (she loves both men and women - in and out of bed), and I think she is definitely Omnipresent (I’ve seen her in the movies, on TV, on radio, in the magazine rack at the grocery store, and tacked up to the wall of my friend’s seventeen year old son’s room, that is pretty damn close to everywhere).

As a default God, I’m not going to be picky. Three out of seven ain’t bad. Besides. What man or woman wouldn’t think they had heard the voice of God if Angelina was whispering sweet nothings in their ear?

“I pray to God before I sleep, Angelina Jolie is mine to keep”

Amen.

Footnote: There have been many Gods in the history of the World ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gods ). Having trouble finding a God that is right for you? Not feeling original? Got a sin to repent for? Look here ( http://www.godchecker.com ).

Random Thoughts: Drive Time Observations

Why do people continue to keep those “Dubya” election stickers on their automobiles? Hello! The election is over and there are no “chads” in sight. You showed your stupidity one day of the year, is it really necessary to show it all the other days in the year too?

Speaking of bumper stickers, why is it that you rarely ever see just one bumper sticker on a car? Is there some unwritten rule in the Universe that one bumper sticker is never enough?

And what is with those people who have stuffed animals in their cars? There is never just one of those animals either. It’s like a freaking zoo inside those cars.

You can tell a lot about a person based on the car they drive (and what’s on it, or inside it). After just a few miles of driving, it becomes evident that we need to support abortion for more reasons than one.

Six Feet Under/Podcasting: Reloaded

http://libsyn.com/media/assassinationpress/carlin_six_feet_under_remix.mp3"

I've been having some technical difficulties of late (hence the audio clip reloaded). I hope all the problems have been resolved now.

I've begun Podcasting! (which was also the source of my technical problems)

If you would like to subscribe to my podcasts, you can do so in any of the pod clients (i.e. iTunes, Doppler, iPodder, Odeo, et al). I will be producing at least one audio clip per week (content will vary).

Cheers,

James Knight (Assassination Press)

My Odeo Channel (Code: 7f28dd74b3d95c99)

What, Me Worry?

Technology Today: Cool Things For You To Play With

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

When your surfing the Internet, it's always a good bet to stop by Google, but not just for the usual search options. They have all kinds of new and innovative services, some are in beta (testing), and some are ready for prime time (general release).

Just go to http://www.google.com/intl/en/options/ for a peek at all the cool new services. There are probably many you didn't know about.

For some cool tools that are still in beta (but which you can still play with), go to http://labs.google.com/.

One of the absolute coolest things that Google has developed so far, is Google Earth (warning: this link is for a Windows Google Earth download).

If you want to learn more what Google Earth can do for you (without downloading), go to http://earth.google.com/index.html. I'm sure you will be as addicted as I am to zooming around a 3-D virtual Earth like Superman. The data, information, and 3-D visuals are sure to fascinate you.

Another cool thing is http://moon.google.com. Follow that link and zoom in all the way, it's good for a laugh.

Six Feet Under (Remixed)

I made this little mix of George Carlin and the Six Feet Under theme song. Just click on the title of this post to download the MP3 (it's pretty small). Enjoy.

Here is another link to the music. Depending on your setup, it may stream (if possible):

Six Feet Under (Carlin Remix).mp3

Did U Know...

By James Knight (Assassination Press)



Did U know...

...the rock band U2 is the most popular Christian band in the history of recorded music?

...that we still don't know how planes fly?

...that we may soon be eating meat grown in a lab?

...that I didn't post to my blog all weekend, but instead went to a museum (in an altered state of mind), watched a DVD movie ("The Village" - it was awful, not recommended), had sex (it was fantastic), went swimming in our pool several times (according to the little duckie thermometer floating around in the pool, the water temperature was between 84 and 87 degrees all weekend - sweeeeeeeet), went to dinner (sushi), went to brunch at a trendy little club downtown, came up with some brilliant ideas for new AP editorials (coming soon to this blog), and toiled (in unmerciful Florida heat and humidity) in our yard and lost two pounds?

...that the current administration of the United States government has zero credibility and will covertly attempt to discredit, intimidate, or otherwise target you or your loved ones if you criticize them?

Elizabeth Wurtzel: feminist champion, pharmaceutical watchdog, or pathetic self-absorbed child?

Foreword:

With great pride, I introduce my guest writer, my femme fatale, my righteous babe, and my significant other, Jennifer Knight.

You will find that she is a very talented writer, satirist, and has a unique voice to add to the Assassination Press.

Sincerely,

James Knight


Elizabeth Wurtzel: feminist champion and pharmaceutical watchdog or pathetic self-absorbed child?

By Jennifer Knight (Assassination Press)

I admit I devoured every page of Prozac Nation when it was first published over seven years ago. I was especially drawn to Wurtzel’s long soulful diatribes on the meaningless of life and read certain, particularly depressing sections over and over as she waxed poetic on the vortex of darkness which sucked her in and forced her to spend endless days lying in bed, listening to Bob Dylan and eschewing her schoolwork, hygiene and basic responsibilities. It was alluring, the idea of spending those days when there seemed to be no reason to kick off the covers, safely cocooned in my bed. I felt her piercing pain and unfulfilled longing, had known all her disappointments as my own and longed to spend my days commiserating at her side. Depression is, after all, a disease, and I was a vicarious member of her support group.

Wurtzel’s next book, More, Now and Again, was even more inspiring. Although I’d never actually snorted Ritalin, I knew that she had been duped once again by the evil pharmaceutical giants. First Prozac, to create a zombie Wurtzel, And when the Prozac let her down, in the same haphazard vein as everyone else in her lonely existence, I understood her disappointment. So now she is left with the little white pills that just can’t mask the pain in their original form. Once again her depression leads her into unchartered waters, and now she has become addicted to a drug prescribed by a physician she trusted, a doctor in charge of her mental health. Once the Ritalin prescription is yanked by said trusted medical physician Wurtzel is left no other choice but to seek less legitimate drugs. The 5th Avenue pushers are replaced with those of lesser credentials—cocaine and heroin become the substitute for her insurance subsidized pharmaceutical cocktail. The book goes on to describe each day of her trials and tribulations in minute detail. At the time her words were my oxygen as she continued to validate my depression, my desperate need to medicate and thus numb the overwhelming hopelessness she and I had become victims to.

Seven years later I thumb through the pages of these worn books--large blocks of text highlighted in yellow and orange, scribbled notes covering the narrow margins, exclamation points peppered throughout—and I wonder why I was so in awe of such blatant narcissism. Rereading the highlighted passages I cringe and wonder how I fell so completely into myself. And then I wonder how many other young women she has lulled into this sticky web of hopelessness, indecision, and self-immersion. I want to draw them a map out of this dark labyrinth, every path leading to endless hours inside their own heads. I want to tell them that the only way out of depression is to step out of your mind and into the world. I want to remind them that this poor Jewish writer went to Harvard and made millions writing her memoirs about these sketchy years of darkness. Her claim to fame is her depression---without her mental anguish she is just another self-absorbed upper-middleclass young woman who hid from the world when deadlines and responsibility called.

I am no stranger to depression, I hear it calling when dusk turns to darkness and long, endless evenings stretch before me. I felt its breath caress my skin in stagnant rooms under mounds of heavy blankets. I have walked hand-in-hand with the darkest spirits calling my name, inviting me to join them in the other-world---any world other than mine. But one day long after reading and rereading Wurtzel’s justification for her blatant and sometimes malicious abuse of substances and family members, I decided to do something for someone other than myself. And by stepping outside of my own mind I learned that happiness has nothing to do with anything that is swirling around in your head---depression is a by-product of long indulgent periods of inner reflection.

And so my advice to Elizabeth Wurtzel is to step outside of herself for five minutes. The most immediate thing she will likely discover is that there are other sentient beings living in her world. And then perhaps her first step should be as simple as thanking her mother for paying the mounds of psychiatric bills she racked up during her years at Harvard. And then maybe she could try actually doing something for somebody besides herself. She could keep it simple in the beginning: bring a sick friend some soup or ask the guy who prepares her daily soy milk lattes at the coffee shop on the corner how life is treating him. No need to vie for the Nobel Prize—just recognize that she is connected to every other living being on this planet---rather than living in the Wurtzel cocoon. I don’t expect miracles; I just want her to put the mirror down for five seconds.

Purple Mayonnaise: Reloaded

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

I would like to thank the following people for putting this post in their blog:

“I was talking to my mother yesterday, and we both agreed that Purple Mayonnaise would be great!”. “We both talked about Purple Mayonnaise and how fun it would be to have Purple Mayonnaise. Purple Mayonnaise, it’s something we have always wanted.” “Mmmmm-mmmm, Purple Mayonnaise!”, Mom said. “Mmmmmm-mmmm, Purple Mayonnaise”, I said.

If you are utterly confused as to the above post, good ;)

Thanks to (if I'm leaving somene out, I'm sorry, but these are the people I know of):

Rowan [Rowan Rambles]
Der Tommissar [The Donegal Express]
Bret [Bretsounds]
EzineWriter [The Pivot Point Post]

As it stands right now, Purple Mayonnaise is getting some very good page rankings in some of the search engines:

Kudo's to Der Tommissar, he is #4 on Google and MSN.
Kudo's to Rowan, she is #3 on Yahoo.
Kudo's to Bret, he is #5 on Technorati.
Kudo's to EzineWriter for putting an RSS feed on his site.
Assassination Press is #4 on Yahoo.

I really appreciate all the good vibrations. Thanks bloggers.

I expect to see Purple Mayonnaise in the grocery store soon! I hope it fails miserably so that "Thought Harvesting" comes to a complete halt.

BTW, did I mention Purple Mayonnaise?
.

Hump Day Recipe: A Remorseful and Dedicated Human Resources Person

By James Knight (Assassinated Press)

Ah, life is full of little ironies.

For instance, that a major U.S. company has a Human Resources department when clearly it is an Inhuman Resources department.

Or perhaps, that a certain Human Resources person claims they don’t have FIVE MINUTES to verify some information on a benefits claim (and you were on the phone with them for 15 MINUTES).

I came up with this recipe in special honor of all the amazingly inept and uncaring personnel of the Human Resources departments across this great land....

Ingredients:

1 (or more) Human Resources Person(s) with a bad attitude
1 Medieval Torture Device

Instructions:

Take one Human Resources person with bad attitude and insert onto torture device. Twist, turn, and pull in FIVE MINUTE intervals until they are completely remorseful and dedicated to helping all the employees of their respectful company (not just the ones who can fire them).

In lieu of a Medieval Torture Device (my last check on Ebay and Froogle didn’t yield any results, but keep trying), you may substitute a MP3 player (w/ headphones) and Starship’s “We Built This City” MP3. Place headphones on head and play at full volume for FIVE MINUTE intervals.

Repeat as necessary.

Voila! Now you have a Remorseful and Dedicated Human Resources Person (I said life is full of little ironies).

Enjoy!

Knight's Mailbag: Q and A (07/12/05)

Question:

Dear Knight,

Hi James, Funny post [Survivor: Florida] (as usual). I have looked for your RSS url, so I can turn it into a guest feed at my site. I require the url to convert it to javascript at: http://www.globalsyndication.com/rss-to-javascript. Then I can make a banner and place it on my page(s) [The Pivot Point Post].

Sincerely,

EzineWriter

Answer:

EzineWriter,

I'm collecting links myself (I also collect bits of wisdom, humor, and Purple Mayonaisse).

In the very near future I will be adding reciprocal links to friends of Assassination Press. Here is my RSS feed....

http://assassinationpress.blogspot.com/atom.xml

Thanks for the link!



Question:

Dear Knight,

I was just on your blog and wanted to say nice work. I was also wondering who designed/hosts your banner, I recently saw it on BlogExplosions and thought it was pretty slick. Any tips would be appreciated. Cheers and happy blogging.

Sincerely,

Scott [LoveTheException]

Answer:

Scott,

Thanks for kind comments.

I design my own banners (and other multimedia content). I'm a software engineer in the real world. This virtual world I create for fun, good karma, and the occassional inflation of my already inflated ego (Don't worry, my significant other keeps me humble.....and a little crazy).

I would suggest getting proficient at Photoshop and Fireworks. These are two very good programs you can use together to create just about anything you can think of.

There is a steep learning curve initially, but once you've conquered it, you'll have a wealth of possibilities at your fingertips. There is plenty of information and tutorials that you can get for free on the Internet. Just google some keywords (i.e. GIF animation) and you'll get plenty of hits.

Alternatively, I would be happy to design/create a banner for you (or anyone else) with a small contribution to PETA on my website.



Question:

Dear Knight,

Damn you crack me up [Sunday Editorial: A Knight Without Shining Armor]! I'm gonna add that purple mayonnaise thing to my blog for sure! I'm curious as to how "lactating man with finger up my ass" happened to find your blog (was it the fingernail thing?) LOL! I'm also curious as to where you get your statistics...does blogger have those stats somewhere that I don't know about or do you use a service?

Sincerely,

Rowan [Rowan Rambles]

Answer:

Rowan,

Warning: the next few lines are a shameless attempt to get more freebies for Assassination Press!

I use several tools for analyzing traffic. They can be found at http://www.statcounter.com http://www.bloggingstats.com, and http://www.feedburner.com.

Warning: the next few lines are a shameless attempt to capture more keyword hits on Purple Mayonaisse!

BTW, thanks for putting the Purple Mayonaisse link and Purple Mayonaisse conversation on your blog! I've heard that Hellmann's is going to manufacture Purple Mayonaisse. Mmmmmm-mmmm. Purple Mayonaisse is definitely gathering more support from bloggers around the world. Did I mention Purple Mayonaisse?


James Knight regularly takes questions from his readers on a wide range of topics. If you have a question you’d like to ask, just email him.

Survivor: Florida

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

Just got my new t-shirt, “I survived Hurricane Dennis”.

Now, I can add that t-shirt to my “I survived Hurricane Ivan”, “I survived Hurricane Frances”, “I survived Hurricane Charley”, “I survived Hurricane Gordon”, “I survived Hurricane Irene”, “I survived Hurricane Georges”, “I survived Hurricane Earl”, “I survived Hurricane Danny”, “I survived Hurricane Opal”, “I survived Hurricane Erin”, “I survived Hurricane Andrew”, “I survived Hurricane Floyd”, “I survived Hurricane Kate”, “I survived Hurricane Elena”, “I survived Hurricane Bob”, “I survived Hurricane Frederic”, “I survived Hurricane David”, “I survived Hurricane Eloise”, “I survived Hurricane Agnes”, “I survived Hurricane Gladys”, and “I survived Hurricane Abby” t-shirt collection (gasping for breath......whew!).

The picture above this article is a tracking of all the hurricanes, tropical storms, and tropical depressions since 1851. And this is the tourist capital of America?

“Welcome to the Sunshine State!”

When I was a kid and we would go on vacation outside of Florida, I always noticed the signs when coming back into Florida “Arrive Alive Florida: Buckle Up!”. Well, as I’ve gotten older, that sign has new significance for me. I think they should add ...

“Arrive Alive Florida: Buckle Up, Bring Plywood, Bring Extra Water, Bring Sandbags, Bring Extra Batteries, Bring Extra Canned Food, Bring a Radio, Get Life Insurance, and always keep a full gas of tank in case you need to get the hell out of here! Welcome!”

I think I’m going to write a letter to Mark Burnett and CBS. Do you want a real Survivor series? Next stop, Florida! Survivor: Florida. The contestants can all try to survive from June 1st thru November 30th in the Hurricane State. They will have to move to the eye of the storm each week. Now, that, would be something to watch!

Speaking of things to watch, I think the state of Florida should get royalties from The Weather Channel. We could give the proceeds to the victims of “Hurricane (insert name here)”. Here we are trying to survive and these people are using us as entertainment! It’s a ratings bonanza for TWC and Florida should be entitled to some of that commercial revenue that they are getting. I bet those TWC advertisers salivate every time a Hurricane comes near Florida, “Oh boy, great demographics, buy more ad time NOW!” Did you know there are already more TWC weather reporters per capita in Florida than the entire world?

All kidding aside, this is a serious issue and there are undoubtedly many victims. I encourage everyone to evaluate their budget, and if possible, donate to the American Red Cross (http://www.redcross.org/donate/donate.html).

Sunday Editorial: A Knight Without Shining Armor

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

(This is posted a little early in case I lose electricity due to Hurricane Dennis)

I was looking at my traffic statistics the other day and came across some bots that I did not recognize. For those who are less technically savvy than I, bots are extraterrestrial beings that live in the Internet and try to take over the world. Okay, not really. Bots are computer programs that crawl the Internet and gather data, links, and information (created by people who want to take over the world).

As a self-professed traffic whore (what blog writer isn’t), I went in search of the source for this particular bot. It turns out that this bot was created by a company whose sole purpose is to scour the Internet, particularly blogs, and aggregate the data found on the Internet into marketing information for business clients, politicians, and anyone else with an appetite for public opinion. So, in a nutshell, said company is taking information found on your Aunt Sally’s blog and turning that information over to a company or politician that wants to get Aunt Sally to buy their products or bullshit.

Now, I don’t know about you, but in the truest American fashion (vanity, egotism, and capitalism), I was a little upset about this. I mean, they're making money off of me and I don’t get to see a dime? My precious thoughts are being used without my permission? What the fuck?

Then, after my initial reaction, I got a little scared. No offense to most of you reading this, but some of you are crazy fucks and I just don’t want your opinions influencing our society. Not only do I bear witness to craziness on a daily basis in my real life (have you ever gone shopping at Wal-Mart), I also know some of you are just plain sick from looking at my traffic statistics. I’m getting google hits on things like “Lactating Man With Finger Up My Ass”. Sorry dude, but you have serious problems and I don’t want your opinion influencing others. If that is not enough to persuade you that America has some crazy lunatics out there, just look at who is our President (again).

I thought some more on this and came to the conclusion that we (fellow bloggers) have to use this to our advantage. Let’s start talking about lowering the price of gas, stopping world hunger, and finding a cure to AIDS. Let’s start talking about giving the consumer power and having moral politicians who actually listen to their constituents rather than their bank accounts. Let’s stop ignorance of all forms and stupidity on all levels. While we’re at it, let’s make purple mayonnaise too.

That’s right. Purple Mayonnaise. I think we should have a little fun with these people who are profiting from our sincerest thoughts typed out on the Internet. Let’s use this phenomenon of “thought harvesting” for our own purposes.

Every blog author who reads this should put the following into their blog:

“I was talking to my mother yesterday, and we both agreed that Purple Mayonnaise would be great!”. “We both talked about Purple Mayonnaise and how fun it would be to have Purple Mayonnaise. Purple Mayonnaise, it’s something we have always wanted.” “Mmmmm-mmmm, Purple Mayonnaise!”, Mom said. “Mmmmmm-mmmm, Purple Mayonnaise”, I said.

So, blog writers, let’s change the world! Let’s make the world a better place! And, while we’re at it, let’s make purple mayonnaise!

Serious Saturday: The State of the Union

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

The State of the Union.

The Union of Marriage that is…

I have been married once, that marriage lasted about seven years and ended in divorce. It was not a happy marriage and it lasted much longer than it should have (seven years too long). I have often wondered about the institution of marriage, as it exists today in society. Amid reports of America’s improving social health, we hear little about the state of marriage. How is marriage faring in American society today? Is it becoming stronger or weaker? Sicker or healthier? Better or worse?

This has led me to do some research. I should preface this by saying I am not for or against marriage. It is definitely something that depends on the persons involved and is not for me, or others to decide (gay, straight, whatever).

The following is a summary of the State of the Union in America today (based on research by several respected Universities in America)…

The Health of Marriage in America:

Key social indicators suggest a substantial weakening of the institution of marriage. Americans have become less likely to marry. When they do marry their marriages are less happy. And married couples face a high likelihood of divorce. Over the past four decades, marriage has declined as the first living together experience for couples and as a status of parenthood. Unmarried cohabitation and unwed births have grown enormously, and so has the percentage of children who grow up in fragile families.

As a “couples relationship”, marriages are more likely to be broken by divorce than by death. And although one might expect that greater freedom to leave an unhappy marriage might increase the chances that intact marriages would be very happy, this does not seem to be the case. Marriages are less happy today than in past decades.

As a “rite of passage”, marriage is losing much of its social importance and ritual significance. It is no longer the standard pathway from adolescence to adulthood for young adults today. It is far less likely to be closely associated with the timing of first sexual intercourse for young women and less likely to be the first living together union for young couples than in the past.

As an adult “stage in the life course”, marriage is shrinking. Americans are living longer, marrying later, exiting marriage more quickly, and choosing to live together before marriage, after marriage, in-between marriages, and as an alternative to marriage. A small but growing percentage of American adults will never marry. As a consequence, marriage is surrounded by longer periods of partnered or unpartnered singlehood over the course of a lifetime.

As an “institution”, marriage has lost much of its legal, religious and social meaning and authority. It has dwindled to a “couples relationship”, mainly designed for the sexual and emotional gratification of each adult. Marriage is also quietly losing its place in the language. With the growing plurality of intimate relationships, people tend to speak inclusively about “relationships” and “intimate partners”, burying marriage within this general category. Moreover, some elites seem to believe that support for marriage is synonymous with far-right political or religious views, discrimination against single parents, and tolerance of domestic violence.

Among “young women”, social confidence in marriage is wavering. Until very recently, young women were highly optimistic about their chances for marital happiness and success. Now, according to youth surveys, their confidence in their ability to achieve successful marriage is declining. Moreover, they are notably more accepting of alternatives to marriage, such as unwed parenthood and cohabitation.

Key Findings based on statistical evidence:

1) Marriage trends in the United States over the past four decades indicate that Americans have become less likely to marry, and that fewer of those who do marry have marriages they consider to be “very happy”.

2) The American divorce rate today is more than twice that of 1960, but has declined slightly since hitting the highest point in our history in the early 1980’s.

3) Projections made using divorce rates in the 1980’s yielded marital breakup chances at well over 50 percent, some as high as 60 percent, while in more recent years the chances have been lowered to about 45 percent.

4) The number of unmarried couples has increased dramatically over the past four decades. Most younger Americans now spend some time living together outside of marriage.

5) The percentage of children who grow up in fragile – typically fatherless – families has grown enormously over the past four decades. This is mainly due to increases in divorce, out-of-wedlock births, and unmarried cohabitation.

6) Surveys of teen attitudes over the past few decades point up a growing disparity. The desire of teenagers for a long-term marriage is greater than ever, but girls have become more pessimistic about ever being able to have such a marriage and both boys and girls have become much more accepting of the alternatives to marriage.

In conclusion, the trends, statistics, and non-partisan surveys all yield that the state of the union is in terrible condition. My only concern is for the children involved. We must find a way for children to find stable and loving environments after divorce or in absence of marriage. As a “latch-key” kid of the 70’s (child of divorce), I understand the importance this.

I invite your opinions, comments, or viewpoints on this subject.

Knight's Mailbag: Q and A

Question:

Dear Knight,

Thanks for the pointers (Prostate Stimulation: Green Eggs and Ham?)! I read something about this in one of those glamour mags, but it didn’t give this much detail. Is there anyway to get around trimming the nails? Mine are really long. How trimmed do they have to be?

Sincerely,

Mercy


Answer:

Mercy,

The trimming of the nails is necessary to protect the tender rectal tissue. Unless your partner is a masochist or has a fetish for nasty infections, I wouldn’t suggest going for the “P-spot” with those beautifully manicured nails of yours.

In reference to how trimmed they should be....

I am a big fan of two things in life:

1) Trial and Error
2) The Golden Rule

How comfortable would you be with your own, or someone else’s, fingernails in that tender area? The human body is an amazing machine, and have fate would have it, our bodies are fortuitously proportioned for self exploration and pleasure. You should try your finger on yourself first before venturing into unfamiliar territory on another. With some Trial and Error, you should have a pretty good idea of how far to trim your fingernails. When it doesn’t hurt your tender areas, chances are you won’t hurt theirs. And always remember the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do undo to you”.

James Knight regularly takes questions from his readers on a wide range of topics. If you have a question you’d like to ask, just email him.

President Bush Nominates Self For Supreme Court Vacancy

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

In an unexpected and completely novel turn, President Bush has nominated himself for the Supreme Court vacancy which was recently vacated by Sandra Day O’Connor.

This reporter was allowed an interview with the President to discuss this unprecedented development:



Knight:

Good Morning, Mr. President.

Bush:

Good Morning James.

Knight:

With the recent nomination of yourself to the Supreme Court, there is the question of how, if approved, you would be able to preside over the United States government and be able to serve on the Supreme Court simultaneously. How would you handle both?

Bush:

Well, James, I’m glad you brought that up. I’m a hard worker James. I work hard. You know I’ve always juggled many jobs. There was a time that I was busy running my oil company and producing Hollywood movies at the same time. Also, I was Governor of Texas and an owner of the Texas Rangers baseball franchise at the same time. It was tough, but I always managed to do the jobs at hand.

Knight:

Mr. President, your oil company went bankrupt during that time, also, you gave up your managing ownership of the Rangers when elected Governor of Texas. Can you really compare these types of jobs to being President of the United States and a Supreme Court Justice?

Bush:

Well, I’m just saying it wasn’t easy then and it won’t be easy now. But, I’ll find a way. I’m a hard worker James (winks).

Knight:

Mr. President, you say you’re a hard worker, but you have the record for being a President to have taken the most vacation in the history of the United States. How do you respond to that?

Bush:

James (laughs), I work hard and I play hard. No excuses. Besides, I know some of those Justices personally. I’ve been on vacation with some of them. They play hard too.

Knight:

Mr. President, besides being able to handle two jobs simultaneously, there are questions as to your suitability for becoming a Supreme Court Justice. You have a criminal history, have been convicted of drunk driving, have gone AWOL from the National Guard, have filed several personal bankruptcies, and refused to provide drug tests or answer questions about your drug history. Are you a person who is qualified to become a Supreme Court Justice?

Bush:

Now James, I may have made some mistakes in my past. But, I know how to run a country and I know what is right and what is wrong. One of the most important things in being a Justice is to know the values that this country was built on. Another is to know the Constitution. As President of the United States of America I have signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other President in history. Heck, I practically wrote the thing (laughs).

Knight:

Besides your personal history, there is the question of your political history. You have changed pollution laws for the benefit of power and oil companies, have the record for most executions, broken the Geneva Convention, removed the United States from the Human Rights Commission, dissolved more international treaties than any other President in history. Some say you have removed more freedoms and civil liberties than any other President in the history of the United States. In addition, your presidency has created the biggest federal deficit and worst decline in the American economy ever recorded. Also, you’ve presided over a very debatable war which the world community and much of the country did not want to happen and feels was misrepresented. Don’t you feel that many will question and protest your nomination?

Bush:

Now James, much of that stuff just isn’t true. Those are just naysayers. They exist anywhere you go and no matter who you are. I have the support of true Americans. I have the support of my family and my friends. That’s all I need. That’s all I’ve ever needed.

Knight:

Mr. President, what do you feel your chances are of being approved, confirmed, and ultimately appointed to the Supreme Court?

Bush:

Pretty doggone good James. Absolutely. Heck, even if I don’t get the appointment, I still get to pick the next Justice. It’s a win/win situation, James.

Knight:

Who else are you considering?

Bush:

Well, now I can’t really comment on that James. I’m sure you know that if I don’t get nominated I will appoint someone with the same ideological views as me. I can tell you I considered my brother Jeb, but us Republicans need someone down there in Florida (wink).

Knight:

Mr. President, thank you for the interview. Good luck in your quest.

Bush:

Thanks, James. Now that this thing is over, I’ve got members of the NRA visiting here and we’re about to go hunting, would you care to join us?

Knight:

I’ll decline Mr. President.

Bush:

Later Gator......(points finger like a gun and pretends to shooot me, then exits press room)

Hump Day Recipe: Prozac Martini

By James Knight (Assassination Press)

James Bond meets Elizabeth Wurtzel!

Three measures of Gin
One measure of Vodka
One measure of Vermouth
40 mg Prozac
Lemon Twist

“Shaken, not stirred”

Warning: May experience nausea, loss of appetite, diarrhea, dry mouth, trouble sleeping, dizziness, drowsiness, yawning, weakness, sweating, severe mental/mood changes, weight loss, loss of sexual desire and ability, vision changes, uncontrolled movements, fever/flu symptoms, muscle stiffness, fast/irregular heartbeats, chest pain, black stools, vomit, bruising/bleeding, seizures, rash, itching, swelling, severe dizziness, trouble breathing.

Enjoy!

Young Master Furry Britches Stock Picks (Week July 5-8)

By James Knight and Young Master Furry Britches (Assassination Press)

(Gainesville, Florida)

Born in the magical and haunting Norwegian Forests, with a thirst for adventure and mayhem, the Young Master Furry Britches quickly made his way out of the Norwegian Forests and into the Land of Opportunity, America. With amazing powers of extra sensory perception, and possessing finely tuned skills of human manipulation, he has both made a fortune in stocks and captured the hearts and minds of all those around him.

Young Master Furry Britches, Norwegian Forest Cat Extraordinaire, picks his weekly stock winners:

1) Sirius Satellite Radio, Inc. (SIRI) - Four Meows

Nascent technology which is quickly becoming mainstream. All of the Young Master Furry Britches cars are outfitted with this brand of Satellite Radio. He particularly enjoys listening to Radio Margaritaville, Jam On, Left of Center, Sirius Blues, First Wave, Chill, and The Spectrum. He considers this speculative, but worth the investment. Practically every vehicle being manufactured for North America has the option of Sirius Satellite Radio being installed at the factory or at the dealer (in addition to XM). He predicts this to be a big winner and looks forward to hearing Stern in '06. The Young Master gives this FOUR MEOWS out of five.

2) Yahoo, Inc (YHOO) - Three Meows

The Young Master loves Google, but doesn't like the bloated stock price. He expects that Google bubble to burst soon. If you like Google, the Young Master Furry Britches says you gotta like Yahoo. It's the Young Master's start page for the Internet and he believes it has the infrastructure and people to compete with Google, if not win the war. THREE MEOWS out of five.

3) Analog Devices (ADI) - Three Meows

The Young Master Furry Britches has three cell phones (he's a busy cat), ADI makes all of them work. The Young Master thinks cell phones will soon make IPOD's history. Everyone will want the cell phones that will soon provide all forms of entertainment, multimedia, and personal services. Big future for cell phones, big future for ADI. THREE MEOWS out of five.

4) WebMD Corporation (HLTH) - Three Meows

Once, the Young Master hurt his paw in a fight with the bastard cat down the street (yes, it involved some pussy), he turned to the WebMD health portal for some healing advice. Since then, he's been hooked. He is even trying a new diet he found on www.webmd.com. WebMD is the only player in the health services field. Most all doctors and insurance companies have been using services and/or software products developed by WebMD for many years now, that will only continue to grow. With all those aging baby boomers who will need more healthcare soon, the doctor's will be turning to WebMD services/products for even more insurance transactions, office management, and pharmacy services. THREE MEOWS out of five.

5) Shell Transport & Trading Co. (SC) - Two Meows

The Young Master hates oil companies. He considers them evil. However, this company is actively developing alternative energy resources (i.e. hydrogen et al). Several deals with leading auto manufacturers are already in place for hydrogen energy. As far as big oil is concerned, if your going to pick an evil corporation to make some money, this one might have some redeeming characteristics and help you sleep a little better at night. TWO MEOWS out of five.

Check back next week to see how the Young Master Furry Britches' previous stock picks are performing and to see who the Young Masters' newest stock winners will be.

Believe It or Not: Fat to Phat

CHICAGO -- McDonald’s is recruiting Russell Simmons, P. Diddy and Tommy Hilfiger to perform a miracle makeover: Turn its employees' mundane uniforms into hip street wear.

As it attempts to change its image from a fat purveyor to phat icon, the world’s largest youth employer is turning to these style-setters for what could be an $80 million makeover for its army of workers. The idea is to turn employees into walking brand billboards as they circulate among their peers.

“We’re looking at how do we make our uniforms more appealing, more desirable,” said Bill Lamar Jr., chief marketing officer for McDonald’s USA. He said the talks were “purely exploratory,” although a massive and costly overhaul has been planned.

Marlena Peleo-Lazar, chief creative officer for McDonald’s USA, is overseeing the initiative and has tapped former music executive Steve Stoute, with connecting McD’s with designers.

With roughly 30,000 McDonald’s employees that fall within the young-adult age bracket, “it’s very important to take [uniforms] from what they have to wear to what they want to wear,” Mr. Stoute said.

If the idea doesn’t get lost in translation, McDonald’s would end up rotating through a series of contemporary versions of the original Ray Kroc designs that would be changed in rotations. “You’re taking the original inspiration of McDonald’s and having very famous contemporary designers do a twist on it,” said Mr. Stoute. The ultimate test is whether employees would wear the outfits outside of work as a fashion statement.

Among the top designers the chain is eyeing: Mr. Simmons’ Phat Farm; P. Diddy’s Sean John; American Apparel; American Eagle Outfitters; Abercrombie & Fitch; Fubu; Rocawear; Tommy Hilfiger and others.

Fashion is one of the “languages” that McDonald’s is tapping into to improve its relevance with young adults. When the burger behemoth launched its “I’m lovin’ it” platform nearly two years ago, fashionable crew uniforms in the Netherlands became the rage and customers begged to buy their own versions.

The chain follows other hospitality companies -- especially hotels and airlines -- that for years have been tapping catwalk fashion designers to improve the look and cachet of their employee apparel. Delta’s Song hired Kate Spade to dress its flight crew, while W Hotels hired Kenneth Cole. Even the Italian police wear Armani.

Prostate Stimulation: Green Eggs and Ham?

Question:

Dear Knight,

My girlfriend and I consider ourselves to be open to sexual experimentation. During one of our role playing sessions (she was raping me), she attempted to put her finger up my ass. I stopped her immediately. She told me that it can be very pleasurable to massage my prostate. I tried to let her continue, but I was so nervous that I couldn’t let her do it. What is the lowdown on prostate stimulation? Am I just being homophobic? How does a person perform proper prostate stimulation?

Sincerely,

Faithful Reader


Answer:

Faithful Reader,

Many men seem to have some hesitation about a finger up the ass. The reasons are probably related to some phobias or taboo. Perhaps there has already been a bad experience with someone who did not know what they were doing. As long as you are with a person you trust, any reason to not at least give it a try are unwarranted or completely ridiculous.

If you enjoy pleasure (and who doesn't), then you owe it to yourself to at least give this a try. If you haven't tried this particular sexual activity, you’re probably missing out. The orgasm you will experience from prostate stimulation will be one of the most intense sensations you have felt.

As for the women, you may have hesitation because you don't know how to do it. Perhaps you too, as with some of the men, have some phobia or find it taboo. If you get pleasure from giving your man pleasure, then this is one thing, if done correctly, which will be very special for both of you (ok, mainly for him, but do unto others).

Here is how to do it.....

First, some background, the prostate measures approximately one and a half inches across, one inch in height and three quarter inches from front to back. The prostate is found about three inches inside the anus, and is situated behind the lower part of the pubic arch and in front of the rectum, and is shaped like a walnut and is of firm consistency.

There are two main ways to stimulate the male prostate, and these are internal and external. In my opinion the internal method is the most satisfying, but it must be done correctly.

For internal stimulation, you must lubricate your finger heavily (water based lubricant) and either use a latex glove or a finger cot (although not entirely necessary, you both may feel more comfortable with finger protection). Make sure that your finger nails have been cut and filed down to insure that the tender rectal tissue does not become torn. After applying the lube, slowly and cautiously insert your finger into his rectum. To relax the area surrounding your finger move inwards and then outwards repeatedly (very slowly), until both you and your partner feel comfortable. Once your finger is full inside, slowly curl your finger, so that your finger is facing the front of the mans body, and gently massage the prostate (see above for location and feel of the prostate).

For external stimulation, apply a degree of pressure to the area found between your partner’s scrotum and anus with your index finger. Simply place your index and middle finger on the perineum (the area between the scrotum and anus). Now run your fingers up and down forcefully pressing on this area as you go. Be sure that your fingernails have been trimmed. Move slowly and test different spots while asking your partner which area feels best. Once you've found his pressure point ask him how it feels as you apply more and more pressure. Undoubtedly, you'll be surprised at how much pressure is desired. This intense massage is best when accompanied by other forms of stimulation. With some experience you'll be able to stimulate this area during fellatio and even intercourse. By placing pressure and massaging this area you are still massaging the prostate, but you need not worry about the issues involved with anal play!

Men, you may find that you *do* like green eggs and ham!

James Knight regularly takes questions from his readers on a wide range of topics. If you have a question you’d like to ask, just email him.